


Shifting Sentiments

by ham1121



Category: Little Women (2019), Little Women Series - Louisa May Alcott
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:00:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 29,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23160610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ham1121/pseuds/ham1121
Summary: From the time in the art gallery on, Laurie couldn't stop thinking of Amy and wanting to be near her, but why? A story detailing Laurie's shift in feelings for Amy and Amy's growing bravery to seize what she wants not just what is expected of her. It will have chapters from both perspectives. Beth doesn't die, so they spend more time in Europe.
Relationships: Theodore Laurence/Amy March
Comments: 132
Kudos: 446





	1. Chapter 1

**Laurie**

Since that first time in Amy’s art studio, Laurie found this compulsive need to go back. He could still feel the fabric on his fingers as he untied her soft cream apron. Almost involuntarily he held his breath, hoping that it would prolong the moment just a little. It may have been his imagination, but he could swear that Amy was holding her breath as well. After a brief pause, she shook him out of his reverie by moving quickly to get her wrap. Shocked he went for his coat. Turning around he saw Amy. Maybe for the first time.

“How do I look? Do I look alright?” She asked.

He didn’t know how to respond,so he said the only thing that he could think.

“You look beautiful. You are beautiful”

As he spoke he fiddled with his ring from Jo. Suddenly this most precious possession felt suffocating on his finger. He wished to pull it off, but Amy was still standing there smiling at him. If he would have known that she would smile like that every time he called her beautiful, he would have called her beautiful everyday. The moment seemed to hold and then with one last nod, she went out to Fred.

Laurie had known Fred for many years, but never had felt this pit in his stomach when he thought of him. Much like Jo’s ring, the thought of Fred felt heavy and claustrophobic. Fred, who he had introduced to his precious Marches. Fred, who he had gone to school with. Fred, who now rode in a carriage with little Amy March.

The thought of Amy returned him to her question Do I look alright? Amy had looked perfect. He wasn’t sure what this new feeling was, but he knew he needed to spend more time with her.

Which is why he now was on his way to her art studio for the third time this week. Though Amy had told him she was giving up on her foolish dreams to be an artist, she was still in her art studio quite a lot. Laurie wondered if part of this was the solitude that she achieved there. It was one of the few places that Amy was alone. Not with Fred and a chaperone or Aunt Marge or at some other event of high society. The first time that he had shown up, he worried that he was interrupting her few moments of solitude, but her smile when he arrived and her furrowed brow when she painted were enough to outweigh any concerns he had of burdening her. He just had to be near her.

He told himself that this need to be near her was because she was a March. She new Laurie. There was a deep familiarity their that Laurie longed for. He watched her grow up and she had watched him grow up as well. Amy was family, and after wondering lost for so long, he wanted just that family. That all this is, he assured himself. He turned the corner and saw the studio. He step quickened as he walked in the door.

“Hello Amy”

Amy didn’t turn around. She was busy painting.

Laurie went to speak again, but then he stopped. Just for a second, without anyone knowing or judging, he wanted to look at her. She was painting, so she wasn’t in her usual fancy dress. Instead she was in a long blush skirt paired with a white blouse. Her golden hair was intricately tied in braided updo. Amy’s hair was always tied up.When she was younger it was braids. Now that she older it was in fancy knots on top of her head. Laurie couldn’t help but wonder what her blonde locks would look like cascading down her back. As his eyes traveled down her back, his attention focused on the apron that had been filling his mind for days. Just above the bump of her skirt he saw the bow, carefully tied and felt an unexplainable urge to once again untie it. He didn’t know how long he had been standing there when Amy loudly said.

“Laurie I can feel you behind me so don’t you attempt to scare me.”

“I would never do such a thing” Laurie said with a mock grin as Amy turned around.

“Oh yes because you have been so well-behaved lately.”

Amy says it in a light tone, but Laurie knows that she still hasn’t fully forgiven him for the other night at the party. He contemplates whether he should say something, but eventually decides that if they are ever to move past it they must have the discussion fully.

“Amy you know that I am sorry for the way I behaved right?”

Amy wiped the paint on a towel and sat on a stool near her easel.

“Yes I know you are sorry. I just want to know why you did it.”

Laurie saw her expectant eyes. She didn’t explicitly ask, but he could tell that she wanted an answer. It wasn’t demand in her eyes though. Instead it seemed that she was worried about him. Laurie couldn’t decide if this worry filled him with joy that she cared or made him ashamed. He had disappointed her. He couldn’t tell why he felt so invested in her approval, but he did.

He must of zoned out for longer than he thought because Amy quietly said “You are not obligated to tell me.” She stared down at her skirt as she spoke.

Laurie quickly spoke “I don’t mind you asking. It’s just... I don’t know why I behaved as I did. Sometimes I just feel as if life is moving me forward and I can’t do anything to stop it. I feel like I don’t have a choice.”

Amy’s eyes widened at this “Oh Laurie you have all the choices. You have so much opportunity, money, and talent.”

“And beauty?” Laurie smirked.

“And beauty.” Amy responded with a blush.

Laurie laughed and then got somber. “But still I feel like every time I try to make my own way in the world, my own choices, fate or someone else tells me no.”

For the first time since he took it off, Laurie reached down for Jo’s ring. A reminder of just how different he expected his life to be.

“That’s quite a statement to make a twenty-three.” Amy laughed as she retorted with Laurie’s response to her just days earlier. Then she looked right at him. “Laurie life is not meant to move exactly how we plan it. How boring that would make it. Part of life’s beauty is in the unexpected. Your life will be beautiful Laurie”

Warmth filled his chest as he listened to Amy speak. Laurie looked into her eyes and for the first time in a long time actually believed that maybe life would be beautiful. “When did you become so wise?”

“I have always been wise, you were just to busy to notice.”

“So what unexpected is in your life Amy? You seem to have it all planned out and from the look on Fred’s face whenever you are in a room. It seems as if your plan will proceed just as you intend.”

“Who said that the unexpected hasn’t already happened Laurie. While Fred Vaughn is certainly my plan now, it was not always that way. I knew I would marry rich, but I also dreamed of being a great artist. Of traveling the world, but I don’t have the luxury of unexpected. I have a family to take care of.”

Laurie breath hitched on the word certainly. “So there is nothing that could change your plan to marry Fred?”

Amy paused and looked at Laurie, then she quickly turned away. “No I don’t imagine that there is.”

Laurie had told himself he wouldn’t bring up Fred, but he couldn’t avoid it and now he was feeling the consequences. Amy had closed up. A tight smile replaced the open smile she had as she assured him that life would be okay. Laurie desperately wanted that Amy back.

“So when do I commission you for my portrait Raphaella?”

Amy looked up confused.

“You said that you would paint my portrait.” He repeated.

Amy shook her head and smiled. “Laurie I know you just offered to make me feel better.”

“No, Amy. Please paint me.”

Laurie couldn’t explain why, but he was desperate for her to paint his portrait. At first his suggestion had been to make her feel better. Then he brought it up again to shift the mood, but once he said it the second time, he knew that he must have it. He must have how Amy saw him immortalized on canvas.

Amy hesitated as if she was thinking. Then resolutely said “Well okay then, but I am tired of painting today, so we will have to start another time. Also, I expect you to be on your best behavior. No fidgeting, no showing up late, and no showing up drunk.”

“I will be a saint I promise.”

Laurie was slightly disappointed that they would not start today, but the thought of spending hours with Amy as she painted warmed him from his toes to his heart.


	2. Painting Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After weeks, Amy finally gives in and begins the portrait.

**Amy**

Two weeks later Amy paced through her studio. Why had she agreed to this? She had told Laurie she would paint a portrait of him, but she was only able to procrastinate two weeks before Laurie’s pleading forced her to actually set up the first session.

Laurie had come everyday to talk to Amy while she painted. They avoided the topics of Jo and Fred as it always seemed to bring a silence into the room, but they talked of almost everything else. They talked of Beth and her slow recovery, her father’s transition back into life after the war, and Meg and her beautiful children. Laurie liked to take credit for Meg and John, but nothing any of them did could have kept those two apart. Laurie told her of his time at university, the things that he had learned, and his stories of his Grandfather. He also told Amy of his travels around Europe, though Amy was sure these stories were highly edited.

She was certain he had better thing to do than keep her company, but every time she asked him if there were others things he needed to attend to he responded that he was was taking a break, but that he’d go work for his Grandfather soon. Though Amy grew frustrated by his lack of drive, she was glad to have his company.

That was not the case today. Amy hadn’t been this nervous in a long time. One of the benefits of coming to Europe was that she was now much more sure of herself. She had always been confident, but with sisters like Meg, Jo, and Beth, it was easy to feel overshadowed or unworthy. Though she loved home, Europe had afforded her an independence from those comparisons.

Maybe that’s why she was nervous? Laurie knew all her sisters, and suddenly she was just little Amy March again. But no one made Amy feel more confident then Laurie had when he called her beautiful. No, Amy knew that it was not just that Laurie saw her as little Amy March. It was that she wanted Laurie to want her the same way she wanted him. The same way she had always wanted him.

That’s why that night at the ball had hurt so much. Amy had run into Laurie and invited him to the dance. He had called her beautiful and given her a big hug. For a second Amy had hoped that maybe things were different, but when she brought up that he might be chasing women across Europe his mood quickly shifted. He was still in love with Jo. She could see it in his eyes.

If it wasn’t clear then, it was abundantly clear that night. She waited and waited and he had never shown. When he finally did arrive, he was hopelessly drunk and being waited on by two unknown women. Little Amy may not have said anything to the great Laurie Laurence, but Amy was no longer little.

Would he ever know how closely he had been to seeing her completely when he had told her that she would feel the same way as he did one day: rejected. Had he known that she had been crying only hours earlier at her own foolish hope that maybe something had changed? That night endowed her with an even greater resolve to be respected. To hold her head up high. She would marry well, take care of her family, and live the life that everyone expected of her. She was not going to be little Amy March hopelessly in love with Theodore Lawrence. But then she had agreed to paint his portrait. Why? How would she survive studying Laurie for a month while she painted? What torture had she agreed to put herself through?

Just then Laurie busted through the door. He looked beautiful. She could tell that he had dressed up for the portrait. His curls were carefully placed. He billowy sleeves trapped by a black vest, and a fancy jacket. He wore dark pants, pointy shoes, and a deep smile.

“I’m ready for my portrait Raphaella. Where should I sit?”

Amy laughed.

“I am only sketching today, so don’t get too excited.”

Laurie was undeterred. “Should I sit here?”

He sat in a large charge. He sat up with a straight back. He tilted his chin up and laid his arms carefully across his lap. She could tell that he was trying to imitate his Grandfather’s grand portrait, but it just didn’t look like Laurie.

“I will paint you however you choose,” Laurie eyes gleamed with humor and suggestion, “within reason” Amy clarified. “But that doesn’t much seem like you Laurie. Relax.”

Laurie slumped down completely in his chair “How about this?” He asked teasingly.

Amy tried to be stern but her laugh betrayed her “Laurie take this seriously.”

“I am trying, but it is you who is the genius. Help me.”

“I am no genius” Amy said as she walked over to where Laurie was sitting. “But I suppose I can order you around.”

She stood closer looking him over. Though he looked good in it, he almost never wore a jacket. That would be the first thing to go.

“Take off your jacket.”

Laurie looked up confused.

“You never wear one. If this painting is to look like you, then you mustn't wear it.”

Laurie obliged.

After he removed his jacket he settled back in the chair looking completely natural. It was perfect. Amy could practically feel her hand begin to sketch.

“Don’t move.” Amy exclaimed. “This is perfect. Just one alteration.”

She moved up and grabbed his hand shifting it from the armrest to his leg. Her skin burned. She couldn’t help but catch Laurie’s eyes. His expression was unreadable. She moved her hand from his and turned to walk to her easel. Amy had been so overwhelmed with this jolt of energy, that she did not notice until she had her charcoal in her hand that Jo’s ring no longer resided on Laurie finger.

“Okay Laurie you must remain still while I sketch.” She said trying to distract herself.

Laurie had always been antsy and his eyes dropped at the prospect of just sitting.

“Can I at least talk?”

Normally Amy would say no as she would need a person to remain silent so she could sketch their lips, but Amy could picture his lips perfectly with her eyes closed.

“I suppose that would be alright.”

Laurie then launched into a story about the latest operas that he had been reading. He spoke of tales of deceit and love and growth and despair. Amy was glad to just listen as she was focused on her sketching, and Laurie was glad to talk as it distracted him from being stuck in the chair.

Part way through Laurie’s latest epic, the clock chimed. Amy quickly looked up. Laurie, shocked by Amy’s apparent attention, stopped talking.

“Fred is coming, so I must be going.”

She had lost track of time. Fred would be here at any moment. Just as she thought this, the door swung open.

“Amy darling?”

“Hello Fred.”

He appeared confused looking between Laurie and Amy. It wasn’t that Amy was hiding from Fred, but she had not yet told him what her art project would be for the afternoon. For the first time, Amy thought about how this looked. Back at home, it would not have been abnormal for her to be alone with Laurie, but here in Europe the rules were not quite the same.

Laurie spoke up first. “Hello Fred. Did I tell you that I commissioned Amy to do my portrait? My grandfather has been requesting that I get one for some time, and who better an artist than Amy?”

“Yes you’re right” Fred said looking at Amy.

“Well we must be going Laurie. Tell your grandfather I will continue to work on the portrait.” Amy said. “Fred will you unbutton me?”

Fred undid the buttons and untied the bow on her apron. She could feel Laurie’s eyes watching her. Once her apron was removed, she grabbed her shawl. She didn’t have to put away any paints since she had only been sketching. She turned to Fred.

“Are you ready?”

“Yes darling. Always good to see you Laurie.”

They waved goodbye to Laurie and then walked out the door to the carriage. Amy could tell that Fred wanted to say something. Just a few steps in her turned to her.

“I am not sure how comfortable I am with you painting the Laurence boy alone.”

Amy had hoped all day for an excuse to not paint the portrait, but now that it had presented itself she couldn’t take it. She could not give up her small slice of Laurie.

“I am doing it as a favor to his Grandfather who has always been very kind to us. There is nothing to worry about. Besides its Laurie.”

Fred thought for a second. “I suppose we have both known him a long time. Also, he was always deeply in love with Jo and I can’t imagine that has changed.”

His words stung. Amy had been telling herself this ever since he had returned, but to hear it verbalized by Fred hurt her in a way she didn’t expect. Still, many men would not be as understanding as Fred, and Amy was lucky to have him.

“I have no problem with you continuing to paint him.”

Amy let out an breath she didn’t know that she had been holding in. Oh no, she could not go down this road again. Not when Fred had so clearly pointed out that Laurie would always love Jo. Spurred on by both her gratitude in being able to continue the portrait and her desire to move past her childhood crush, Amy stood on her tiptoes and quickly kissed Fred’s cheek.

“Thank you, love.”

Fred’s face flushed, but then some certainty seemed to settle there. Checking briefly to make sure that the driver of the carriage wasn’t looking, Fred softly pressed his lips to Amy’s.

Amy looked up at him surprised. Fred was not known for breaking rules, and they weren’t even engaged yet. Still she felt a flutter in her stomach. Fred, her sweet Fred.

“Darling, I am going back to London. I will be there for a little over a month. I have some business to take care of, but I will write you everyday.”

Still a little shocked from the kiss, Amy took a second to process what this meant. Fred was returning to London. He was going to get the family ring and propose. She would be engaged. Her heart filled with pride. Life was going just as she expected. In the back of her mind though she thought of Laurie. _So what unexpected is in your life Amy?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am planning on this being kind of slow burn. Would people rather it move faster?


	3. Trying to forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie's reaction to Amy and Fred.

**Laurie**

His stomach clenched. Just a couple weeks ago that had been him. It had been him delicately touching each button on the back of her apron. It had been him slowly pulling at the fabric and watching the bow fall untied on her back. He stared at Amy wondering if she was thinking about what he was. If he just stared long enough, she would have to turn to him, and then she’d have to remember.

Before long it was over. Laurie couldn’t decide if he was glad that Fred was no longer touching her or if he was angry that Fred hadn’t savored it like he should have. Didn’t he know what beautiful opportunity he had been given when Amy asked him to unbutton her? Didn’t he know that she was pure magic?

Laurie shook his head. What was happening? He had never felt like this before. Though he had loved Jo, he didn’t often feel jealous. She didn’t love him, but she also didn’t love anyone else. In fact, Laurie had left in part so that he would never have to experience watching her with someone else. If it felt anything like watching Fred and Amy, he was certain that he made the right choice. But why did he feel this way with Amy? He did not love her. She was simply little Amy March. Amy who dressed up for all of Jo’s theatricals. Amy who had given him a mold of her foot. Amy who now rarely let her guard down, but who every once and a while would laugh with him. Amy who had grown up into a beautiful woman.

“Always good to see you Laurie”

Laurie looked up at Amy and Fred leaving. He didn’t want to follow them out unsure that he would be unable to hide the thoughts that overtook his brain. As the door closed he moved to the window. Once they got in the carriage, he would leave. Maybe he would take a walk to clear his head.

Amy and Fred had stopped to talk. Amy’s back was to the window, but he could tell that she was responding. Laurie wished that he could read Fred’s lips, but before he could try for very long, Amy stepped up quickly on her tiptoes and kissed Fred’s cheek. Before Laurie could process what had happened, Fred leaned down and kissed Amy’s lips. Soft and short.

If Laurie had thought that the feeling of watching Fred unbutton Amy’s apron was unpleasant, this was infinitely worse. His legs went weak and his stomach dropped. It was as if a heavy weight pushed him into the floor. His lungs didn’t seem to expand. Suddenly there wasn’t enough space or air in the studio.

Once he caught his breath, the claustrophobia was filled with burning. Who did Fred think that he was? Stealing kisses before they were married could sully Amy’s reputation. Forget that Laurie had done much worse with women whom he was not even courting. But Fred was not known for breaking the rules. How could the most boring person that Laurie ever met, choose this one time to be exciting? This man had never had an carefree bone in his body, and now he seemed to throw the rules to the wayside. This man was kissing his Amy.

_His Amy._

Slowly Laurie found the strength to look out the window again. Luckily the carriage was gone. He wasn’t sure that he would have survived if he had to see them together again. He waited just a second longer before he headed to the door.

He started the walk back to the hotel that he was staying at. He couldn’t slow his thoughts though. He kept seeing it. Fred dipping his head. His hands on her waist. His smile as he looked down at her. Over and Over again. His only solace was that Amy’s back was to him. He didn’t think he would have survived if he had to see Amy close her eyes and smile into Fred’s kiss.

As he walked, Laurie tried to sort out why seeing Amy and Fred had elicited such an intense reaction. Yes, he and Amy had been spending more time together. Yes, it was the bright spot of every day, but she was still little Amy March. He had known her since she was just twelve years old. From the moment he had saved her after she fell through the ice, he had always felt a special concern for her. Maybe this new feeling was simply him being protective. Yes that's what it was. He just wanted to make sure that she was safe.

Even as Laurie rationalized this, he knew it wasn’t true. If it was truly Amy safety and security that he was concerned about, Fred was the perfect man. He could provide every material thing that Amy could possibly want or need. He could help her take care of her family. Also, though Laurie maintained that Fred was deeply dull, he could tell that the man loved Amy. His eyes lit up when she entered a room. Fred would never hurt Amy, so why did Laurie still feel this pit in his stomach?

Unsure of what to make of his own thoughts, Laurie attempted to focus on the numbness that he had felt since Jo’s rejection. To his shock he couldn’t find it. For months, he had used Jo’s rejection to distract him from the choices he would have to make. From going to work for his Grandfather, from seriously pursuing another women, from growing up. But tonight it didn’t seem to work. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t seem to remember Jo or at least feel sad or longing in that remembrance. Instead he felt only a nostalgia for a dear friend.

Slowly that nostalgia shifted to something else as he remembered a different March sister. His mind overflowed with images of her painting, of her dancing, of her laughing. Even images of little Amy March from long ago filled his heart with a sense of home that he had never known. Just as he was settling into these comfortable remembrances, another memory came to his mind. Fred. Fred kissing Amy. Amy letting Fred kiss her. Whatever peace he had felt, dissipated.

Though he planned on walking to clear his head, he soon found himself at the bar attached to his hotel. Though Laurie was no stranger to alcohol, especially in recent months, since his daily visits to Amy’s art studio, he hadn’t had more than a social drink here and there. It wasn’t that Amy had forced him to stop drinking, though she made it very clear what she thought about his recent affinity for it, it was that he didn’t need it. Laurie drank to be someone else, to be somewhere else, but there was no place he’d rather be than with Amy. He drank to forget, and in the last few weeks there was nothing he wanted to forget.

That wasn’t true tonight. He couldn’t stop playing the moment in his head, so against his better judgement, he walked in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there will be a happy ending, but the journey won't be linear. Thanks for reading!


	4. The next day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie faces the music after his night (and morning) of drinking.

**Amy**  
After Fred had said goodbye the previous night, Amy had lain in her bed. She was unable to sleep. She was going to be engaged. She was finally going to do as Aunt March had told her to do all those years ago. She was going to save her family. Beth would be able to have the best doctors, Jo would be able to work on her writing, her parents would no longer be indigent, and Meg would be the prettiest wife in all of Concord. Even as her future solidified in her mind, something else began to take shape: thoughts of Laurie.

She kept imagining him telling her stories from the chair as she sketched. He had seemed so free. Since she had first seen him in Paris, there was a weight to him. He didn’t move with the same joy that she had always known to be Laurie, but in that chair today he seemed completely him. She smiled at the memory. With Laurie permeating her thoughts, she slowly drifted off to sleep.

The next morning she was setting up in the studio. Before she had left with Fred the day before, she and Laurie had already planned to meet the next day so she could continue working on his portrait. She was almost done with the sketching and was excited to get to study the color of his eyes as she began painting. The plan was to meet at noon, but the clock chimed and he had not shown.

Since Laurie had started coming to her studio, he had never been late. It was windier today than normal. She told herself that maybe he had left without realizing and had to return for an extra jacket and a scarf.

Slowly the minutes ticked by and Amy began to get more worried. She had already sorted and resorted her art supplies, so she began pacing around her studio. Where was he? Was he okay? Finally, unable to feign nonchalance any longer, she walked out the door to see if she could see him coming.

Sure enough there he was a way down the road. He was stumbling up the pathway. Amy had been in Europe long enough to know why someone walked that way. Laurie was drunk.

Amy first reaction was disappointment, but that quickly made way to anger. Wasn’t he passed this? Why couldn’t he grow up? What Laurie did on his own time was his business, but he had promised her that he would not show up drunk for his portrait sessions.

Laurie had been far enough away, that by the time he reached Amy she had steeled her emotions.

“Go home Laurie.”

“But I just got here.” He said confused and slurring his words slightly.

“Go home.”

“But I am supposed to get my portrait done” He said gesturing to himself sloppily.

“You were also supposed to arrive sober, but you managed not to do that.” Amy retorted letting her guard slip.

Laurie straightened a little. “Its not my fault. I didn’t have a choice”

Amy smarted. “You never have a choice. Do you Laurie? You’re being forced to work for your grandfather and make obscene amounts of money. Your being forced to go to the best schools and travel the world. You’re being forced to go to the most beautiful operas. Yes I can see that you are practically shackled.”

Amy took a breath and tried to calm down. Slowly she spoke “Laurie you have opportunities I could never dream of. You can do whatever you want. You can go wherever you want.” Amy thought of Fred. “You can marry anyone you want.”

“Not anyone.” Laurie whispered.

Amy’s breath hitched. Of course. She should have known this was about Jo. It always was. How foolish she was. Just the night before she had gone to sleep dreaming of Laurie, all the while he was drinking himself into a stupor over another woman. And not just any woman, her sister. Amy’s anger was now layered with embarrassment. How many times would it take her to learn?

“Regardless of what choice you do or do not have, you promised me that you would not show up drunk. You clearly have not honored that promise, so you can go home. We can do this another day”

“Amy please, I need to see you.” His eyes welled with sincerity.

Despite her better judgement, her heart fluttered at his words. But she was still angry. No matter how Laurie made her smile, how could she trust him when he couldn’t even show up to get his portrait sober. More than that she was hurt. She feared she would never move past her love for Laurie and all it brought was pain.

She couldn’t stand his sadness, but she also couldn’t pretend today. “Please Laurie, just go home.”

Laurie’s reaction shifted. A half-angry, half-injured expression replaced his sincere one from a moment before.

“Who are you to judge me for drinking? You are no Saint Amy. I saw you kiss him.” He spit out. His words rung with anger, but his eyes belayed something else.

Amy shook her head and squinted at him. She was genuinely lost. “What?”

“I saw you. I saw you kiss him. It’s fine for your dear Fred to break the rules, but not me?”

Amy’s eyes dropped. She suddenly felt a stream of embarrassment. No one was meant to see that. “Oh... well... We our practically engaged.” Her cheeks were red and she could only stare at her shoes as she tried to justify to Laurie what he had seen.

“Well you’re not engaged! If you go around kissing people all the time, people will start to see you as a loose women. What else are we supposed to think?”

Amy’s face sank. Tears began to well in the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t seem to get words out. Did Laurie think those things of her? Did he see her as fallen? She didn’t expect him to love her like she loved him, but she thought he at least respected her. I’d be respected if I couldn’t be loved. That was what she had told him. She had believed it to be true, that Laurie respected her, but maybe it wasn’t.

Laurie seemed to sober up at the sight of Amy’s pain. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. He tried to make a joke to lighten the mood. Anything to make her smile at him again. But he didn’t know what to say, so instead he attempted to knock her shoulder with his own as he had often done when they were kids.

Amy stepped away. Taking a deep breath, Amy finally managed to control her emotions. She channeled a calm confident voice.

“You men tell us we are angels, and say we can make you what we will, but the instant we honestly try to do you good, you laugh at us and won’t listen, which proves how much your flattery is worth.”

She turned to him and looked him in the eyes. “Go home Laurie, and tell your Grandfather I’m sorry but I won’t be finishing the portrait.”

They had never made it to the studio because she had gone out to find him, so she simply turned back to house without another word. She opened the door. She wanted to look just one last time. Just one last memory of the Laurie she thought she had known, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn around. She was so afraid that he would finally see what she had been hiding all these years. That she loved him, and if he saw, then his rejection would be complete.

She closed the door behind her, sat on the floor, and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am hoping to get another chapter up sometime in the next couple days, but school is crazy right now. I couldn't quite figure out how I wanted to frame Laurie's insult, so I hope it worked. Also, Amy's line at the end about men calling women angels is directly from the book. It's one of my favorites, so I knew I had to fit it in somehow. Thanks for reading! I appreciate the support.


	5. It was different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie comes to a realization

**Laurie**

For days Laurie had been wandering around in a daze. Not a drunken daze. No he had learned his lesson there. Amy face at his harsh words was enough to get him to leave the bottle for good. Instead he walked around unable to figure out what had happened and how to fix it.

He thought back to that morning. He had been so drunk that he almost forget the session completely. In retrospect, that might have been better. But after replaying Amy and Fred’s kiss in his mind all night and all morning, he was desperate to replace it with a different image of Amy. For just a moment he wondered if maybe he could replace it with his own kiss. Maybe if he just kissed her this feeling would go away.

It was that desire that had propelled him out of his chair and down the road to the studio. When he had found her outside the studio so warm and beautiful, he had been surprised to be met with such coldness. She had seemed determined to send him on his way before he had even got there. He couldn’t go though. No without looking at her, being near hear, listening to her laugh. She told him about all the choices she would have. That he could choose who to marry and in that moment the dreaded image of her and Fred entered his mind again.

“Not anyone” he whispered.

Looking back Laurie realized that this was the moment that things had gone wrong. That the conversation became something he couldn’t control. The thought of the kiss and the hurt he felt were more than he could bare and with the final rejection that came after this comment, he couldn’t hold it in anyone. He wanted Amy to feel, just for a second, the hurt he felt, so he said something he couldn’t take back.

Now he was paying the price.

After the initial fight, he had decided that she needed space. Plus, he was in no state to be having a serious conversation. No, he would go home and figure out what apology he would give the next day.

That night instead of writing in his opera, he wrote speech after speech detailing his distraught at the hurt he had caused her. He would write one think it was perfect, see Amy’s pained expression, and realize that the words could never be enough and start over. He wrote until his candle was a small stub and ink stained his hands.

The next morning, his various apologies tumbled through his head as he walked to the studio. His started wringing his hands together as he got closer. .

He finally reached the studio. He grabbed the door and went to push it open, but it wouldn’t budge. Thats odd. It must be locked, but Amy never locks the studio. He pushed again. Nothing. He decided that he would knock. After tapping on the door and then waiting, he decided that Amy must be with Aunt March at her hotel.

He walked to the hotel and saw Aunt March in the parlor. Though the woman terrified him, he needed to find Amy so he approached her.

“Hello Aunt March.”

“Mr. Laurence.”

“Do you know where your niece is?”

“Mr. Laurence, despite your recent habits you have always been a smart boy, so I can’t understand why after weeks of being here you would be asking me this. Amy is where she always is at this time of day. She is painting in her studio.”

“What?”

“Are you deaf. She is in her studio. Now leave me to be by myself. This is one of my few times of peace everyday. I’m getting old, not lonely.”

Laurie knew better than to push Aunt March, so he walked away. If Amy had been in her studio, why would she lock the door? Perhaps to keep people out, but who. In all the weeks that Laurie had been stopping by, no one else had ever come except Fred and Fred was back to London. Just then the realization settled in. If Laurie was the only one visiting her, she locked the door to keep him out.

His heart dropped. It was now he knew for sure that no apology he had written the previous night would be sufficient for the hurt he had caused.

It had been three days and the door was locked every time he went to see her. He tried to come to the hotel at other times, but he could never seem to find her. As the days passed the pit in his stomach grew. What would he do without her?

He had begun to throw himself into his opera to distract himself. He wrote himself a love interest with soft blonde hair and a strong will. But as he wrote, his thoughts of Amy just became more intense.

On the fourth day since their fight, he decided to go on a walk instead of write. He headed to the gardens hoping to distract himself from the ache he felt. As he turned the corner he saw her.

The world seemed to move in slow motion. There she sat with two other girls. She threw back her head to laugh at something the girl on the left said, but Laurie could see no one but Amy. It was at that very moment that he realized how truly he had missed her. Just the sight of her and he felt as though he could breathe again.

He just stared. Completely entranced by her. He wanted to go up to her. To beg for her forgiveness. To promise her anything, but his feet couldn’t move. He couldn’t disturb this perfect image of Amy.

Amy was talking now. The people around her were enthralled and Laurie couldn’t blame them. All the fog cleared around Laurie’s feelings. It was if he saw Amy for the first time. She was no longer little Amy March, and if he was being completely honest she hadn’t been for a very long time. She was Amy that he had known forever. Amy that he had saved. Amy that had made him laugh. Amy that wasn’t afraid to tell him what she thought. Amy that made him feel smart. Amy that was maybe the most talented person he knew. Amy that would do anything for her family. This was Amy that he loved.

As soon as he thought it, he felt free. He loved her.

She had consumed him in a way that no one else had. He had loved Jo and part of him knew he always would but with Amy it was different. It was not just familiarity or compassion or understanding. It was something pushing him to be better. It was the feeling in his gut every time they touched. It was his need to be near her all the time.

Sometime during his epiphany Amy and her friends had left, but Laurie felt rejuvenated. Laurie loved her and he knew now exactly what he must do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some writers block this week and rewrote this chapter a bunch, so I hope it works. I got sick of trying to figure it out and decided just to post. I'm excited that Laurie has figured it out, cause smitten Laurie is my favorite Laurie.


	6. I know you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Amy forgive Laurie?

**Amy**

After she first returned to her studio in tears, the aching in heart turned to resolve. She would love Laurie always, but he did not love her and she needed to move on. Really move on. The only way that she could think to do that was by not seeing him. As soon as she saw him, she knew her newfound resolve would be threatened. She wondered sometimes if maybe she could survive. Just be his friend without getting hurt. But then she would remember his face as he longed for Jo. No, she couldn’t hurt like that again. Better to avoid him just in case.

It had been a week since Amy had last seen Laurie. She had been locking the door as soon as she entered her studio and avoiding her normal spots at the hotel and the gardens. Though Aunt March was concerned about the new level of worry that underscored Amy’s actions, Amy liked worrying. It made her feel proactive even when she was totally helpless. Amy couldn’t control where Laurie would be, but she could worry about it. And as long as she was worried about it, it probably wasn’t going to happen. Like some sort of anxiety vaccine.

Slowly as the week went on, he stopped knocking at the door calling her name. Her worry began to dissipate. Maybe that was why Laurie was there when she walked in to her art studio that day. Proof that she simply hadn’t been worrying enough. He was sitting in a chair facing the window with a large parcel near his feet.

She hadn’t yet shut the door behind her, so she wondered if she just backed out slowly whether he would notice. She took one step back and Laurie turned his head.

“I already saw you, so please do not try and leave.”

Amy had always loved the way Laurie looked with his dark curls and sharp lines, but as he turned to face her, even she could admit that he looked terrible. His curls were pulled in every direction as is he had been running his hands through them for hours. The bags under his eyes belayed many sleepless nights. If he hadn’t been so calm and collected, Amy would have wondered if his haggard appearance was due to drinking, but one look into his clear eyes and she knew that wasn’t the case.

Her stomach clenched with worry at this version of Laurie that she had never seen before. What was wrong? Was he okay? She stopped herself. This is exactly why she couldn’t see him. She couldn’t do this to herself. But seeing as she couldn’t escape this afternoon, she figured she would simply get through it as painlessly as possible. Then she could go back to worrying him away.

“I wasn’t going to leave” Amy said trying seem as normal as possible.

Laurie stared at her for a second like he was going to point out that she was lying, but decided against it.

“Amy we need to talk.” He said it with such intensity that he she couldn’t help but stare down at her feet.

“I suppose that would be alright.” She wasn’t ready to have this conversation so she tried to changed the subject. “Apparently Daisy is becoming quite the painter. I know Meg would never say it but I think she wishes I was there to teach her. Marmee and Father....”

“Amy, please” Laurie cut her off. “Please look at me.”

Amy wasn’t sure she was brave enough, but she looked up. Laurie clear eyes locked on hers and she wished she could turn away, but she couldn’t. It was Laurie.

Laurie continued. “Amy I need to give you my sincerest apologies. What I said, I did not mean it. I could never mean it. There is no one...”

“Then why did you say it?” This question had been in Amy’s mind since Laurie had spoken the words into existence. “Why say something you don’t mean?”

Laurie paused. “I was drunk and I was hurt. I wished that I could rescind it as soon as I said it. Amy the look on your face...” His eyes closed in pain. “I would do anything to turn back the time.”

Amy could sense his sincerity. All growing up, Laurie had been playful. Whether it was weird voices and hand-made mailboxes or impromptu excursions to the woods and lake near their homes, he seemed to always be looking for the next fun thing. There was none of that here. Amy looked at him and only saw complete seriousness.

She wanted to forgive him. She had burned Jo book out of pure spite and had been forgiven. How could she not forgive him? But if she forgave him would that mean that he would be there at the studio again and could she handle that?

“Amy please say something. You silence is eerie. You are never silent.”

“I am simply thinking of my words before I speak them.” Laurie eyes dropped in pain. “I’m sorry Laurie that was mean-spirited.”

“Amy, you should not be the one offering apologies here. I truly can’t express with words how deeply sorry I am.”

“I believe you.”

Amy heard Laurie sigh in relief.

“Oh Amy, thank you.” Laurie reached out and grabbed her hand.

Amy heart fluttered in a way that it shouldn’t. She needed to marry Fred. She needed to save her family, and Laurie was too much of a temptation. She knew what she had to do.

“Wait I am not finished.” Amy continued, “I believe that you are sorry. I believe that you did not mean what you said, but Fred will be back in a couple weeks. You were right that I have not been acting appropriately. It is not proper for me to be seen with someone who is not Fred, and it certainly wouldn’t be proper for us to be alone once Fred and I are engaged. We have known each other too long to not be civil, but that is all that we should be.”

Having allowed herself his touch as long as she could she pulled her hand away.

“Civil? What does that mean?” Laurie asked.

“When we see eachother at events, like is bound to happen, we will smile and exchange pleasantries, but then I will go back to Fred.”

“And the portrait?”

“There are plenty of artists who are capable of finishing it. Many who are better than I am.”

“But they are not you Amy.” Desperation leaked out of his tone.

“I have made up my mind Laurie. Maybe back home it will be different, but here this is how it needs to be.”

“Before you make up your mind, let me show you something.”

Laurie turned to pick up the package by his chair. He handed it to her. Her eyes were wide.

“Laurie what is this.”

“Please just open it. We can talk then.”

Amy carefully removed the paper. Underneath was a frame. As she flipped it over to see what was framed, her breath hitched.

“Laurie how?”

“That doesn’t matter. Do you like it?”

Amy looked from the frame to Laurie. “How did you remember?”

“I know you Amy. You looked at that painting every time you were in my Grandfather’s house”

It was true. Amy had first seen it in the book at the Laurence's when Laurie had graciously fixed her hand. She was young and naive and jokingly demanded that the servants bring it to her immediately. As she grew older, she often found that same page. Gingerly touching the corners of the artwork wondering what it would be like to have a beautiful painting like that of her own. She didn’t know that anyone had noticed. But Laurie had, and now she held the painting in her hands.

Her eyes started to water. “Laurie I don’t know what to say.”

“Just finish the portrait. Please Amy.”

Amy knew that this may bring trouble, but she turned to him and grabbed his hand a second time. “I will. I promise.”

She felt Laurie’s heartbeat as she held his hand. Their eyes locked and for the first time, Amy saw something different in Laurie. She didn’t know quite what it was, but it made her heart pound.

Though she knew she should, she couldn't seem to let go. It was as if both of them were in a trance. Caught up in each other's eyes, each other's touch, each other's presence. Laurie took a small step forward. He was close to Amy now. She could feel his breath on her forehead as he looked down at her.

She didn’t know what was coming, but she knew she was helpless to stop it. Laurie soft fingers brushed her cheek. Before Amy could process what was happening, his lips followed his fingers. The brushed across her cheekbone. His lips painted a blush on her cheeks behind them. Amy closed her eyes at the sensation. And then it was gone.

Laurie had taken a big step back placing them farther apart then they had been when she had grabbed his hand. Amy couldn’t tell if she was sad or relieved.

Staring at his feet Laurie asked. “So can I come tomorrow then? I promise I won’t be late.”

Amy, still dazed, answered, “Yes, you can come.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to decide how much I want to follow the scenes in the movie. At the beginning I used the scene from the art studio. Right now I am writing in the gaps of what I think or want to have had happen between scenes in the book and the movie. But I can't decide whether I want to work scenes from the movie into my story or just write without them. Thoughts and feedback would be greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	7. Back to painting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy keeps her promise and continues working on Laurie's portrait, but how will Laurie's newly recognized feelings impact he and Amy's relationship?

**Laurie**

Though Laurie took pride in his appearance, he had never been one to fuss over his looks. But as he stared in the mirror before heading to Amy’s studio he couldn’t help but fiddle with his hair one more time. Placing a curl carefully back on top of his head he wondered if Amy would be glad to see him. The painting had been well received but then there was the business after the painting.

Laurie played the moment again in his head.He had thought of it so often that he could practically see it play out. Her soft skin underneath his lips had been more than he could have imagined. All of it was perfection. But Laurie was not dumb. He knew he knew that Amy was still wary of him and kissing her after getting a lecture about how their relationship wasn’t appropriate was not his brightest move. That voice in the back of his head telling him to take it slow was the only thing that kept him from kissing her properly and claiming her as his own once and for all.

No this would take time. While he was quite sure that Amy didn’t dislike the kiss, he wasn’t going to give her any reason to end their friendship. Not before Laurie could prove to her just how much she meant to him. Not before he could tell her that he loved her.

Laurie checked his watch, looked at himself in the mirror, and headed to her studio.

When he got to the door he was filled with dread. What if the door was locked again? What if yesterday had simply been a dream? That kiss, Amy’s forgiveness, her smile at the painting. With all of the dreaming of Amy Laurie had done, it wouldn’t be that outside the realm of possibility. Laurie heard Amy prattling around through the door and the thought of seeing her propelled him to open it.

“Hello Amy” Laurie was relieved the door had opened.

“Hello Laurie.”

Amy turned to face him but didn’t quite make eye contact and he wondered how he had gone so long before realizing his feelings for her. How could he look at that face and feel anything other than love. He stared for a second. Maybe it was more than a second cause Amy interrupted him.

“Laurie? I do believe I have a portrait to be painting.”

“Yes of course. Do I just sit as before?”

“Yes I have already moved the chair and its the same time of day so the light will be the same. Do you need to see the sketch or do you remember how you were sitting?”

In the week that Amy had been mad at him, he had played that last happy conversation in his head many times. He didn’t need to see the sketch to remember how he was sitting. Additionally, he could tell that Amy was still a little bit hesitant and he didn’t want to burden her.

“No, I remember.”

Laurie sat in the chair and shifted his arms. He then remembered the electricity he had felt as Amy had moved his arm into position the last time he sat in this chair. Hoping that his Raphaella might help him again, he placed his arm on the armrest.

“Is this good?”

Amy looked up at him and made eye contact for the first time since he had come into the studio.

“Almost just move you left hand.” She then went back to gathering supplies.

No that wasn’t what he wanted. So he moved his left hand across his body so it was sitting on his right hand.

“Now?”

Amy looked up again. “Laurie, you hand is supposed to be on your lap. How you remembered everything else exactly, but forgotten where your hand was is beyond me.” Amy smirked.

“So here?” Laurie now moved his right hand to his lap, but left his left hand on the armrest. He looked quite ridiculous with his left arm splayed across his body and his right arm tucked underneath it on his lap, but he couldn’t help but tease Amy a little.

Amy chuckled. “Forgotten again? I knew your advanced age would get to you at some point but I didn’t imagine it would be so soon.”

Laurie pulled back in mock aghast. “Me? Old? Never!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure. Is that even a gray hair I see?”

Laurie smiled bright. “A gray hair? I will not believe it until I see it. If it is there you must come show me immediately.”

Confidently Amy strode over and started searching through Laurie curls. “It was there I promise. I am looking for it now.”Amy said running her fingers haphazardly through his curls. She was clearly not looking for anything, and instead was taking the opportunity to tease the boy.

“Now I you are just trying to ruin my hair before the portrait” Laurie laughed but couldn’t help lingering in the feeling of her hands in his hair. For not the first time, he wondered what it would feel like to run his hands through her blonde locks.

“Well I am simply trying to make it more fair for all the people who were not fortunate enough to be born as Laurie Laurence.”

“I have been told I am quite beautiful” Laurie retorted.

At that Amy dropped her arms to her side and took a step back, something clouded her eyes. “You know where your hand is supposed to be and don’t worry about your hair. I am finishing sketching the facial features and then I’ll begin painting the eyes. I won’t get to the hair until much later”

Though her tone was light, something had shifted from just a moment ago when there were teasing each other. Still Laurie could not complain. He was with Amy.

He moved his hands into place and Amy picked up her charcoal.

“What has occurred in your life since our estrangement?” Laurie asked desperate to hear her voice.

“Nothing significant. I think Aunt March is beginning to get sick which makes her more irritable than normal. My family has gone strangely quiet about Beth’s health. Meg is still running herself ragged with the two children. Jo...” Amy stopped. “Jo is in New York still. She is always writing but can never seem to manage to write letters.”

As much as Laurie loved the Marches he only wanted to talk about one March.

“But how are you?”

“I was a bit lonely with you being gone.” She said and then added quickly. “And Fred as well. He should return in couple weeks but he writes nearly every day.”

Laurie heart clenched. This was not his preferred topic either, but anything to stay with Amy.

“And how is our dear old Fred?”

Amy hesitated, surely thinking that about how poorly all their other conversations about Fred had gone, but continued on. “He is well. I think he misses London. Its his home. I imagine once we are married that we will live there. Can you imagine? Me growing old in Europe. It is quite decadent.” Amy face lit up at the thought.

Laurie stared. Since her lecture about marriage, he had imagined that Amy saw her potential marriage to Fred only as a way to save her family. But now he saw that she imagined more. A life for herself with him. A life that included a hardworking Fred who had the means for her to fulfill her dreams.

“What about your family? Your sisters?”

“Oh I imagine that Fred and I will often take trips home. He is hardly ever denies me my wishes.”

“But won’t you be bored?”

“Perhaps, but I am not sure that is a bad thing. One of the things I admire most about Fred is his consistency. Now I don’t imagine that we will go on the grandest of adventures, but I am safe around him. I trust him.”

Those words shook Laurie. Did Amy see him that same way? Could she trust him? He imagined that his antics for the past month hadn’t inspired much confidence.

“Enough about me though” Amy broke him out of his reverie. “What has the great adventurer Laurie Laurence been up to?”

Laurie couldn’t very well tell her that he had been pining after her for weeks, so instead he told her of his opera.

They talked until Amy declared that her hands hurt and that she was done for the day.

Laurie stood up grateful to be able to move. He stretched his arms and his legs as Amy put away her supplies.

“May I see the progress?” Laurie asked.

“Of course.” Amy went to turn the easel towards him, but before she could he stepped across the room next to her. Close to her.

In his haste to be near her, he had taken one step to close, but Laurie could not bring himself to move away. He could feel her breathe as he stood and looked at the painting over her shoulder.

“It is a masterpiece” He whispered, unsure if he was talking about Amy or the painting.

Amy didn’t speak.

Just then her realized that Amy still had her apron on. The one that had haunted his dreams since he first laid his hands on it. The one that had spurned thoughts that were certainly not appropriate for a respectable women like Amy.

He laid his finger on the bow. “Do you still need this Raphaella?”

Amy breath hitched. “...No” She finally eeked out.

Was it possible this was affecting her as much as it was him.

Knowing the beauty of this moment, Laurie chose to savor it. Pulling at the bow even more slowly than he had the first time. Once untied, he rested his hand on the small of her back before he moved to the buttons. Heat flared in his stomach as slowly he undid every button. He only hoped that Amy would not move cause he was unsure that he would be able to hide his budding desire.

Once the buttons were undone, she had still not moved. Laurie saw the opportunity and took it before he could think it through all the way. He pushed the fabric off her shoulders. Amy caught the apron as it fell around her waist. His hands rested on his shoulders as he breathed in her scent. They hadn’t even done anything, and Laurie was unsure if he’d be able to stop.

Clang Clang Clang

Amy jumped at sound of the clock. Before Laurie could say anything, she hurriedly bunched up her apron and stepped away.

“Well I should probably be going. Aunt March is likely sick again and cranky. I must make sure she hasn’t made some poor innocent servant cry.” And then she was gone.

Laurie stood there dazed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally updated! Hopefully the next update will come sooner. There wasn't much plot progression in this chapter, but I just love them together talking. I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading!!


	8. You're being mean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy reaction as Laurie proposes, kind of.

**Amy**

Since the apron incident, Amy had been trying to reinstill boundaries in she and Laurie’s friendship. She found herself saying she was tired before she actually was to keep the sessions shorter than they had been in the past. She also made sure to remove her apron first thing after she was done painting. Though she wasn’t always graceful in undoing the buttons behind her back it was much less risky than the alternative.

Amy had reimagined that day many times. Nothing had ever rendered her so utterly speechless in her whole life. Even when she wasn’t talking, her mind was whirling through thoughts and possibilities, but in that moment all she could think about was Laurie. His hands on her back as he unbuttoned her apron. His slow moving fingers had been torture of the best kind. When he had touched her shoulders she was sure she would never breath again as all the air left her body. The chime of the clock had awoken her from her reverie and she left before she could consider what had happened.

As exciting as the feeling was with Laurie,, how could she risk a life of security with her perfectly dear Fred for the uncertainty that Laurie was these days. Sure he wasn’t drinking as he used to, but he was traipsing through Europe without a plan. More than that, how could she choose him knowing his heart would always belong to Jo.

That’s why yesterday, she had told Laurie she was too tired to paint the next day and instead wanted to relax in the gardens. Instead of getting her desired space, Laurie had asked if he could join her. Confident in the barrier that the presence of that the other people in the garden would provide, she had agreed.

She was sketching as she always did in the gardens. Sitting there, sketching Laurie, she suddenly felt distinctly at home as if she were back in Massachusetts on the beach. Perhaps it was that she had the sketch from that day, but there seemed to be something else about them together that brought her home.

Laurie had been teasing her all afternoon, so Amy decided to tease back with her favorite barb of late, asking when he would return to work for his grandfather. She knew full well that the answer would be what it had been for the past couple months. “Very soon” He would say, and then he would never actually make any plans to go.

The conversation had panned out much how Amy had expected until he’d held her face. There was the electricity that had become indistinguishable from Laurie’s touch.

Slowly shaking herself away Laurie continued “I might as well stay and plague you a little longer. You can bear it. In fact, I think it agrees with you.”

As Laurie hand dropped to the blanket he looked at her. A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and for all fabric covering her and the space between them she felt distinctly exposed. As if Laurie could see something she was trying desperately to hide.

“What are you doing?”

With no shame Laurie answered “Looking at you.”

Hoping regain her composure Amy shifted the topic back to his plans “I mean what do you intend to do?”

“With life?”

“Yes”

“I’ve been writing an opera, I’d be the central figure..”

Though Amy loved boyish Laurie he couldn’t remain a boy forever. “That’s a waste of time”

Undeterred Laurie responded “Well what would you have me do?”

“Go back and work for you grandfather and make something of yourself.” With all the security Laurie was afforded Amy couldn’t see why he would risk it. Amy was doing everything in her power to gain an ounce of the security and agency he had waiting at his fingertips if only he reached for it. He could still write and compose, but he would do it with a safety net that Amy could only dream of. Amy knew best of all that growing up required sacrifices.

By now Laurie stood, walking away from her in playful abjection.

She could only pine after the boy she had loved all her life. She crossed the grass and handed him the drawing.

He stared at the first one and then the second caught his eye. “When did you do this one?”

“It was the day at the beach. First time I met Fred.”

Something shifted at the mention of Fred, but Amy thought it was better this way.

“What’s he doing?”

“He’s in London on business. He’ll be back in a few weeks.” Amy went back to sketching cleaning the lines as she could feel Laurie walking away.

“Don’t marry him.”

Amy’s head shot up. “What?”

Walking towards her Laurie continued “Don’t marry him.”

Amy could not grasp why Laurie was saying this to her. “Why?”

Next to her now, Laurie looked into her eyes “Why? You know why.”

Realization began to dawn. Amy heart was beginning to shatter before she even fully knew why. In all her dreams of she and Laurie, in none was it like this.

“No. No. No. Laurie.”

He tried to interrupt her, he tried to touch her hair, but Amy was too frayed for this. She felt as if all of her was on display and she couldn’t do anything about it. But she could.

“Laurie you’re being mean. Stop it. Stop it.”

Confusion dashed across his face.

She steeled herself in response. “I have been second to Jo my whole life in everything and I will not be the person you settle for just because you cannot have her. I won’t... I won’t do it.” She could stop her but Amy is done being passive. If Laurie gets to throw words around with no regard for how they affect anyone, then she does too. “I won’t. Not when I have spent my entire life loving you.”

Unable to look at him, she dropped her drawings and walked away.

She was too emotionally raw to head straight back to Aunt March so she just continued walking.

Laurie had proposed. To her. He hadn’t said the words, but he had proposed none the less. She should be ecstatic that the person she has loved all her life proposed to her, but she wasn’t.

He did not have a ring. He didn’t have any declaration of love or understanding. It wasn’t planned. At the mention of Fred, he had hastily proposed without even saying the words and had just assumed that she would say yes.

Had she been that obvious? That desperate that he had thought that she would leave everything for him?

If he had truly loved her, it wouldn’t have been like that. No, Amy thought, he saw that last viable March sister finally slipping away, and in a moment of panic had reached out to catch her. But Amy wouldn’t be second best. She could make compromises in a marriage, but that was not one. Not with Laurie. She could not live her whole life knowing he wanted someone else. It would be too painful.

Amy had walked so long that by the time she got back to the hotel she had missed dinner. She apologized to Aunt March.

“I expect better behavior Amy. You have a letter. I had the servants put it in your room. I imagine it is from Fred. I am going to bed.”

Amy retired to her room. As Aunt March had promised, the letter was placed carefully on her bed. She prepared for bed, got in, and then opened the letter.

_My Dear Amy,_   
_Business has finished earlier than expected. By the time you receive this I imagine I will be home within the day or two. I miss you terribly and cannot wait to see you._   
_Stay safe my love,_   
_Your dear Fred._

The emotions overwhelmed her again as she held the letter to her chest and cried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the last thing that will follow directly from either the movie or the book. I'll probably continue to use language from both cause Greta and Lousia are geniuses, but plot wise the rest should be a relative surprise.


	9. I need to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie tries to figure out what happened.

**Laurie**

He had now been rejected by two March sisters. Though for months Laurie could not imagine a pain deeper than what he had felt at Jo’s response to his proposal, Amy’s refusal had cut him to a place that he didn’t know existed.

He had tried to find her that night before dinner, but she was nowhere to be found. Instead he sat with an ornery Aunt March, who, as Amy had said, was becoming sicker by the day.

He couldn’t wait any longer, so he returned to his own room.

In the silence of his room he had time to think. Amy loved him. She had always loved him. His heart soured until he remembered that she had still refused him. As far as Jo had been from his mind, Laurie knew now how present she was in Amy’s. Laurie had seen all of Amy’s attempts to follow Jo. Though he had seen Amy’s change, she still saw herself as the little sister trying to stick her nose in somewhere she wasn’t welcome.

Laurie couldn't fix that, but he couldn’t stand that he had made Amy feel second best. He only wanted her to feel loved. He had imagined declaring his feelings for her a thousand different ways since he had first put a name to them, but none had included him telling her in the garden with no warning and a obfuscated marriage proposal.

Her smile combined with the drawing of him from the beach had filled him with such immense love that at the mention of Fred’s return he was suddenly certain that he would never be able to tell her. That Fred would come home and they would be married before he could even let her know that she was everything to him. He loved her and he needed her to know. It was a weight that he couldn’t carry anymore, so he spoke.

As Laurie mulled over her rejection, he realized that he still had time. Fred wouldn’t return for two more weeks.

***

The next morning Laurie woke up. Today would be the day where he would talk to Amy. He gathered flowers and pulled copied down some of the prose from his opera that he had crafted as a song to Amy. Amy wouldn’t be headed to the studio yet, and Laurie wasn’t sure she would even go. So instead he figured he would try to find her at the hotel.

As he neared the hotel, his heart stopped. If he hadn’t had more foresight, he was sure that he would have dropped the flowers as well. There was his precious Amy, but instead of being alone, her arm was intertwined with that of Fred Vaughn.

Like in the studio just days before, it was as if the clock had chimed signaling that his time was up. He had his chance and Amy hadn’t chosen him. Seeing her with someone else so close to when she had told him that she spent her entire life loving him made his feet heavy and his breath short. He couldn’t walk towards her, but he couldn’t walk away. Some morbid curiosity kept him looking even as he slowly died.

Finally the fear that she would turn and see him flowers in hand and reject him one more time allowed him to take refuge behind a nearby hedge. He sat unable to draw a breath. Would he always love her? Would he always feel like this? What did it matter if Amy had loved him for her whole life if she didn’t choose him now?

The more he thought about it the more he felt as if he must hear it from her. He had to know, maybe to get some sense of closure. Or perhaps she really would choose him. She would let go of Aunt March’s notions of high society and the economic duty that accompanied marriage and just love him.

Hoping that she would show up just one last time he headed to the studio.

He waited on the doorstep until he saw her walking down the road alone. He stood up as she got closer.

“I was not expecting you.” Amy said as she finally reached him.

“I was not sure whether to expect you either.” Laurie responded. It was clearly uncomfortable, as neither knew where to head next.

Finally, Laurie couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “I saw that Fred returned.”

“Yes he finished his business early.”

Was she so truly so opposed to acknowledging what had happened? But Laurie couldn’t leave without answers.

“Amy” Laurie began.

Amy interrupted. “You don’t have to say anything, we never need to talk about it, we don’t have to talk about it.”

“Amy” Laurie said again. “I need to know if you choose him. I need to know if you do not choose me.” His voice broke, “I must know Amy.”

Amy stared at her feet. “Laurie you must know that I love you, but Fred is my future. I told you when you first came to Paris that I do not have room for unexpected. Fred is my plan and for the sake of my family I must choose him. There is nothing else for me to decide.”

At these words, Laurie knew that it was done. His Raphaella was not his and maybe never was. Or maybe he was just too slow to realize when she was.

He stood slowly. “I wish you all the happiness Amy. Truly I do. I want nothing more than for you to be happy.”

Even though Laurie truly meant nothing more, silent tears ran down his cheeks as he walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post two shorter chapters today. I also just wanted these two together, but I like the format of only one perspective a chapter. I hope you like it! Also, I promise there will be a happy ending. Thanks for reading!


	10. Can I have it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy asks for advice

**Amy**

Amy returned to Fred that night so that they could enjoy dinner together and then a walk afterwards, but Amy’s mind kept wandering. Who was Laurie to ask her to choose like there was a choice? He hadn’t told her how he felt, he was still in love with Jo, and he refused to grow up, but there he stood on the steps of her studio demanding a choice. Asking her to choose him. Why should she?

As she replayed his declaration in her head she became more and more angry. She had told him that she had loved him her whole life and he had demanded a choice without so much as an explanation for why he asked. She could feel her temperature rising.

But then she would think of his hands on his back, the painting that now sat in her room at the hotel, the way she always felt lighter when he was around. Why, after all he had done, did she still feel this way.

“Amy? Amy?”

She looked up. Fred’s face was contorted with worry.

“What’s wrong dear?” He asked.

Amy immediately felt guilty. Here he was worried while she thought of Laurie. “Nothing. I am just not feeling very well. I think I will have to forgo the rest of our walk. I hope I do not offend.”

Fred looked at her. “Oh Amy do not worry about me. If you feel unwell it is best you get rest. Is there anything else I can do to aid you?”

Amy smiled. Fred was helping her, making sure she felt safe. “No, I think I am alright, but I would not mind an escort back to the hotel.”

As they walked they slipped into a silence.

After a few minutes, Amy attempted to break it. “Fred, darling, how was London?”

“Well it was alright. I got the accounts balanced.”

Amy waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. So she did instead, “What was the most beautiful thing there? I have only been there once, and I long to remember what it was like?”

“Well to be completely truthful I didn’t do much but work, but the greenery was nice I suppose.”

By now they had reached the hotel.

With nothing in the conversation requiring more time, Amy went to go in. “Goodnight dear.”

“Goodnight Amy. I hope you feel better and I will see you tomorrow.”

Amy walked into the hotel and back to her room. As she laid down in bed she though of their walk. Of all the things in their relationship that is what worried Amy most. They didn’t really talk. They exchanged pleasantries and talked of mundane things, but they didn’t really share in the way that she imagined she would with a future husband. He knew of her sisters, but did not know that Meg used to dress as a man for their plays. Amy was worried it would be unladylike, and at Aunt March’s behest had left it out.

The more Amy thought of it, the more she realized that she had self-censored lots of her life to be more agreeable to his place in high society. He knew Meg had married John, but Amy didn’t fully disclose John’s job because she was worried it was embarrassing. She often sanitized her fathers beliefs and exploits out of fear that they would be too extreme for Fred a proper Englishman. She did not read the stories Jo sent her because she worried that he would find it improper for a lady to write such tales. Her whole life her parents had taught her to be proud of who she was and her she was hiding it.

Amy had never felt the need to hide before. Even when she was a young girl, she was constantly putting herself in the center of attention. Was this the price that she had to pay? Was she truly only meant to be an ornament to society?

Amy thoughts continued to spiral until she did the only thing she could think to do. She pulled at a letter and began to write.

_Dearest Marmee,_   
_Fred arrived home earlier than expected. I imagine that a proposal will be coming at any time. I trust him. I know that he will protect me, and he has the money for me to achieve my dreams and help our family. I could grow old in England as a proper lady and never want for anything again. Yet still I worry that maybe that isn’t enough._

Thinking about what Laurie said she continued.

_Maybe the poets are right. I am wrong to sacrifice my feelings for security? Is it fair for me to ask for it all? Meg sacrificed security for love, is it the only other option that I do the opposite. I feel lost Marmee. How I wish you were here. I miss you more you know._   
_Love,_   
_Amy_

Her walk with Fred had ended early and she hadn’t changed into her nightclothes yet, so she took the letter down the hotel clerk with some money and asked him to send it. She moved back up to her room with the hopes that letter would arrive quickly.

Though Amy wasn’t often homesick, that night she drifted off to sleep missing Marmee’s words of wisdom and her comforting hand through her hair as laid her head across her lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Marmee, so I knew from the beginning that I wanted Amy to write her a letter. Thanks for reading! Also the timing is going to be slightly weird in the next couple chapters because letters take a long time to get places.


	11. I can't leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie needs a friend

**Laurie**

At first Laurie had gone home to pack. To run. Amy had not picked him and there seemed little else to do other then go away. He had always wanted to see Rome, so he prepared to make the next stop on his journey across Europe. He had stayed in Paris for much too long anyways.

But then he thought of leaving her. Of leaving Amy, and he couldn’t. Maybe he and Amy could only be friends, but Laurie would take whatever he could get because when he thought of not seeing her, of not being near her, of not hearing her voice made him feel like he couldn’t breathe. He was connected to her in a way he never had been to another person, and he couldn’t leave. Amy had loved him her whole life and had watched him preoccupied with Jo. It seemed the perfect karma that now he would do the same with her and Fred.

As Laurie unpacked his bags though, he knew something must change. He played Amy’s word in his head again. Fred is my future. Fred is my plan and for the sake of my family I must choose him. Laurie had played these words in his head ad nauseum since Amy had spoken them. Laurie had money. He could take care of her and her family. Perhaps he could do so better than anyone because he loved the Marches so much. Who better to fund Beth’s doctor visit then the boy who had listened to her music fill his grandfather’s cold house with music. Who better to help fund Daisy and Demi’s pursuits than the boy who had given Demi his name. Who better to support Jo’s dream to be a writer than the boy who had been privy to many of the early adventures that inspired her tales. And who better to help provide for Marmee in her old age than her proxy son.

So why did Amy continue to choose Fred? Laurie knew he had more money, but surely that could not be it alone as the Laurence’s certainly had more than enough money of their own. It must be something else. As he wracked his brain he was reminded of how she had characterized him when she first ran into him in Paris. Flirting and gambling and drinking. That was how she had characterized his travels. The ball certainly didn’t help things, but surely she could not still see that as his only focus.

The more he thought, the more he realized how little he had done to change her mind. Sure he was spending time with her, but he had shown up to a session drunk and had refused to work for his grandfather. He spent his days lazing around waiting for time with Amy. Amy saw him still as a boy, and she saw Fred as a man.

Laurie could not leave Amy and join his Grandfather in Germany, but he knew he must grow up.

The next morning Laurie sent a telegram to his grandfather telling him that he was ready to work but not ready to leave Paris and asking him if there was any work that could be done in the city.

He didn’t expect a response until the next day, so he set about trying to fill time. As much as he couldn’t leave Amy, he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to see her so soon. Instead he went to the place where she was still his: his opera. He wrote all afternoon until his writing could no longer distract him from the grumbling in his stomach.

He traipsed down the stairs to the hotels dining room, only to find the heroine of his story waiting in the parlor. It would not have been appropriate for Fred to stay in the same hotel as Amy, so he must be staying in Laurie’s hotel. Knowing his recent luck, Laurie should have already guessed that this would be the case, but still he stood unable to move as he looked at her.

As if she could sense him staring, she turned. She was not with Fred, so she must have been waiting for Fred, but at the connection of their eyes it might as well have been an empty hotel. Laurie could see only her. How he wished that she would run to him like she had that first time she had seem him on the streets of Paris, but instead she offered him a smile.

It took just one smile for him to realize that he had underestimated how painful it would be to watch her without him. If this is what Amy endured all these years, it was no wonder she protected her heart like she did. He smiled back, but inside he knew something in him was breaking. Suddenly lacking any appetite he went back to his room.

He sat at his desk. How was he to do this? How would he make it through? He needed someone, but all he had in Paris was Amy.

Then a letter on his desk caught his eye. Jo had been writing him for months, but he hadn’t answered. At first it was because he was embarrassed and hurt. Then because he didn’t know what to say. Most recently it had been because he was too busy with Amy, and he wasn’t quite sure how to tell his best friend that he was in love with her sister. But as he sat utterly alone, he realized that that's what he needed, his best friend. So he pulled out some parchment.

Once he began writing it all spilled out of him. Laurie told Jo of finding Amy in Paris, of his dastardly behavior at the ball, of the beginning of her portrait of him. He told her of his second mistake in showing up drunk. He told of the moment he realized that he loved Amy and that maybe he would never love anyone but Amy. He explained his fear and his rushed proposal and how Amy had chosen Fred. The only thing he didn’t tell her was how badly he wanted Amy. How every time he was near her his body would reach out independent of all rational though. Of the softness of her skin and the blondeness of her hair. No, Jo didn’t need to know that. He closed the letter imploring her for advice.

He knew that the letter would open him up to potentially merciless teasing from Jo, but he hoped that her knowledge of Amy would give her some insight that she could share with him. He didn’t know what else to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated having Laurie leave or not, but I felt like he was running and I didn't want him to. I have two more chapters, but I am not sure how soon I will write again after today, so would you rather have the chapters now or have them spaced out? Thanks for reading you guys are the best!


	12. With love, Marmee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marmee writes Amy back

**Amy**

It had been nearly a month since Fred had returned and Amy could feel the impending proposal looming closer every day. If she was honest, she expected the proposal weeks ago, but Aunt March told her not to worry. She had it on good authority that he had gotten the ring while in London and was simply waiting for the perfect moment to propose.

Part of Amy was relieved that he hadn’t proposed yet. She hadn’t yet received a return letter from Marmee. Though she had questions, as each day passed she grew more resolved to say yes. Growing up Jo had wanted to go to war with their father. She wanted to sacrifice to help the Union. Though, Amy never dreamed of donning a uniform, she longed for that sense of heroism. She knew as a child that many saw her as selfish and perhaps spoiled. This was her chance to show that she could be a hero. All those years ago, Aunt March had told her that she must save her family, and that is what she intended to do.

And then there was Laurie. Though he no longer came to her studio, he hadn’t left Paris as Amy had expected him too. In fact, she heard that he was doing work for his Grandfather in town. Though Laurie had resisted, by all accounts he was quite the gifted businessman. Amy had always known this would be the case. Laurie’s charm and natural intelligence would be well suited to his grandfather’s business. Still she hoped that he hadn’t given up writing his opera completely. As much as she had teased him, she loved when he told her of it.

She and Laurie had run into each other a more than a couple of times. There was always a slight tension in that they both studiously avoided any talk of his proposal, but surprisingly there was something about their rapport that remained the same. Their conversations, though meaningful, were never long. Either Laurie had business to attend to, Aunt March interrupted them, or Fred walked up.

Fred was the surest way to kill a conversation between the two. The moment Fred appeared, Laurie would greet his old friend and then make up some excuse to leave. Amy assumed that this was because he was embarrassed as neither of them had told Fred that Laurie had implored Amy to refuse his proposal.

On this particular day Amy was walking in the garden when she saw him. Laurie smiled and headed towards her.

“Amy I haven’t seen you in quite some time.”

“Laurie we talked but two days ago. Also, I can’t help it that you are busy working for your Grandfather now. I have heard you are quite the businessman.”

Laurie beamed, “My Grandfather is rather impressed and honestly I am surprised by how much I enjoy it.” He paused then continued, “I also think it has been good for our relationship. He has never been overly affectionate with me, but there is a respect and camaraderie that is growing. I think he is beginning to see me as a peer.”

“That’s great Laurie.” Amy knew how badly he wanted a family like the Marches. Though his Grandfather was a great man, he often kept Laurie at a distance for fear of the heartache that would come it he lost him. To see that distance close was all Amy wanted for him.

“Oh Laurie I forgot to tell you.” Though her latest letter to Marmee hadn’t yet been answered, an earlier letter had arrived just days earlier, and it contained great news. “Bethie appears to be doing better. She is certainly not out of the woods and she remains weak, but still she continues to improve.”

Before she could recognize what was happening, Laurie was hugging her. “Amy that the best news I have heard in sometime.” He spoke into her hair joyously holding her tight.

Simultaneously they both realized what they were doing and Laurie slowly set her down. Amy looked around to see if anyone had seen them. No one was looking their way, so it appeared as though they were safe. When her eyes returned to Laurie she realized that they were standing closer than they had been before.

Their eyes connected and she reached for his hand. Her heart swelled at his response. “Thank you Laurie. I needed to tell someone who knows her and loves her. I needed to be reminded that it is not foolish to hope that she really will get better.”

Laurie grabbed her other hand. “I am here Amy, always.”

Unable to control the flutter in her chest, Amy reluctantly dropped his hand. She took a minuscule step back and continued. “Also, apparently Marmee has perfected another midnight recipe that she wants us to try when we return.”

Laurie began to laugh, and then Amy heard him.

“Amy dear, there you are. You were supposed to meet me at the hotel.”

Amy turned to Fred. “Sorry I was on my way, but I found Laurie.”

“Hello Fred.” Laurie chimed in then continued, “Well I must be getting back to the business. Goodbye.”

Laurie turned to leave, but not before Amy saw something pained on his face.

***  
After her walk with Fred, Amy returned to the hotel. There the clerk informed her that she had mail. Amy rushed up the stairs to her room as she opened the letter.

_Dear Amy,_

_We miss and love you more than you know. As for Fred, you have always been smart, so I will say only two things First remember that you should live to maximize your happiness not to minimize your unhappiness. They may sound like the same thing but they are not. Second, do you love him? I believe in you Amy._

_With love,_   
_Marmee_

Amy sat the letter on the table. As soon as she read the question she knew the answer. She did not love him.

Something shifted. Her lungs filled with more air than they had in a while. It was as if Marmee had given her permission to dream bigger. To ask for more. To want more, and if she was honest she did. Now that the time had come she found that something more than money and position was needed to satisfy the new longing that filled her heart so full of tender hopes and fears. As scary as real love was to her, as vulnerable as it was, she wasn’t prepared to sacrifice it.

That night when she met Fred for dinner, she told him she could no longer continue their courtship. She did it with the utmost grace and thanked him for his many kindnesses to her. He looked hurt, but thanked her for her companionship and told her that without her keeping him in Paris he would be returning to London in the morning. Amy couldn’t read how he was truly feeling, but they left each other with what felt like mutual respect.

After she returned to her room, the weight of her decision seemed to really settle. She could no longer hide behind Fred. She had to own how she felt. She also had to tell Aunt March. And in the back of her mind, in the deepest parts of her heart, though she dared to hope, she wondered what this meant for her and Laurie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the pause between updates. This chapter is a little shorter, so I didn't want to post it on its own, but I decided to do some edits on the next chapter. Eventually I just decided to post the shorter chapter in the meantime. I love how succinct Marmee was in her conversation with Jo in the movie. I wanted to replicate that here in some way. Also, I know the ending with Fred was a little underdone, but I wasn't sure how to write their ending, but I really don't like the idea of him actually proposing and her rejecting him then. It just sounds awful for him haha. I hope the way I did it was enough. You guys are the best! Thanks for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! Jo's response is the next chapter.


	13. Don't be daft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie receives a letter

**Laurie**

After his first encounter with Amy at the hotel, he had awoken to a return telegram from his Grandfather telling him of his contacts in Paris. Laurie began work right away. Laurie hadn’t been lying to Amy, he truly did love working. It gave him a purpose, and though he didn’t like prideful, he was very good at it.

He continued to write his opera as well. It was one of his few outlets to deal with his emotions for Amy. Surprisingly, after running away that first day at the sight of her, their interactions had been nice. They always had been friends. Though the conversations were brief, every time they talked Laurie was reminded why he couldn’t leave. He loved her. To be near her in any way was better than to be without her.

That didn’t mean it was easy. As soon as Fred would arrive, Laurie heart would fill with lead. It sunk into his stomach as he saw Fred place his hand on the small of her back. Laurie found himself making any excuse to leave just so his lungs could fully inflate again. He was surprised that Fred hadn’t proposed yet, but he waited for the dreadful day when Amy introduced him as her fiance.

Though it had seemed like a good idea at the time, Laurie also dreaded the Jo’s response to his letter. He felt far to vulnerable and he worried that Jo would confirm to him what he already suspected may be true. That Amy was taken, that she would never accept his love, and that he would always feel this pit in his stomach when he thought of her.

They day that Amy told him the news about Beth, he returned to his hotel to find the dreaded letter. Seeking a certain level of privacy, he went to the garden to read it. Cautiously he opened envelope, pulled out the letter, and began reading.

_Teddy,_  
_I do not know what I expected after so many months without a letter, but to hear that you were in love with Amy was not it. Marmee said she suspected it because of your reoccurring appearances in Amy’s letters, but she always was more perceptive than any of us. Still, what a wonderful surprise! Teddy, my dearest friend, in love. And so hopelessly as well. You always were a romantic._

_Clearly though, your affection for Amy has made you exceedingly stupid. In all your inward preening and prose about your love for the littlest of my dearest sisters, you never once expressed that to Amy. You said nothing and then expected her to leave everything she has achieved for a half-formed proposal._

_If you love her you must say the words. Out loud. To her. Teddy, my boy, do not be daft._

The letter continued but Laurie was to stunned to continue. Was Jo right? Had he never said the words to her? When she asked why she shouldn’t marry Fred he had simply said that she knew why. He had hoped that it was unspoken that he loved her, that he wanted to marry her, that he couldn’t imagine life without her, but why would it be? How could she possibly have read so clearly between the lines? Even when he had gone back and asked her to make her choice, he hadn’t expressed his love for her, just demanded a choice.

As all consuming as his love was, Amy had no idea. Of course she had denied him! Pondering this, hope sprung through him. Maybe if she new how deep his love was, how independent it was from Jo, how much he wanted her, she would say yes. He could only hope that he still had time.

***  
He was itching to see Amy all morning, but he knew that he had to get some work done. By the afternoon he could no longer stand it and under the absence of any looming deadlines left for Amy’s hotel. He ran into Aunt March before he could locate Amy.

“Hello Aunt March. Do you know where your niece is?”

“I know she left the hotel this morning, but she did not say where she was going. I can only hope that she went to beg for Mr. Vaughn’s forgiveness. Though not ideal, it would still save her the unneeded embarrassment of a failed courtship.”

Laurie’s jaw dropped, “Fred didn’t propose?”

“If only. Amy did not give him a chance. She ended their courtship with no warning last night, and now he is headed back to London. If she knows what is good for her, she has stopped him. But if she is anything like the rest of her family, she has done something else.”

Laurie was in shock. She hadn’t chosen Fred. A flutter grew in his chest, but was weighed down by fear. He was too trepidatious to think that maybe she had chosen him instead, but still she hadn’t chosen Fred.

“Mr. Laurence if you are just going to stand there then I am going to leave.” And with that Aunt March walked away.

At the sound of her receding footsteps he returned to reality. Amy wasn’t here. For just a second he feared that Aunt March had been right, that she was chasing Fred and convincing him not to leave, but once Amy made up her mind she didn’t change it. Laurie could only hope that he was the exception.

No, if Amy had left the hotel, he knew where she would be.

Laurie arrived at the doorstep on her studio. He could hear her inside. This would be the moment that would change everything. Either he would put everything out there and be rejected completely, or else he would convince Amy that they deserved a real chance.

Laurie stepped into the studio. Amy turned and her eyebrows raised at the noise. When she saw him she stepped forward just a little.

“I saw Aunt March, and she told me that you had left, so I assumed you were here.”

At the mention of Aunt March, Amy looked at him, cheeks red, “If you saw Aunt March, she probably told you. She is very upset with me.” She paused. “Laurie we don’t have to talk about this...”

“You are right,” he interrupted, “we don’t have to discuss this, but I would like to. Would that be alright?”

Amy eyes dropped slightly, but she was never one to back down from a challenge. Keeping his eye contact she responded, “I suppose that would be alright.”

“Amy I realized recently that even though I asked you to marry me, I never expressed why you should marry me.”

Amy looked confused and Laurie continued.

“Amy you should marry me because I know that when you laugh, really laugh, you look down at you feet in the middle as if you embarrassed that you found it so amusing. You should marry me because I know that when you paint your eyebrows furrow and your tongue slips out just a little without you noticing. You should marry me because I know how terrified you are to lose Beth in part because you are worried of who you’ll become without her. You should marry me because I know that no matter how you try to hide it, you are exceedingly selfless concerned everyday with helping your family. You should marry me because your the only one who will tell me what I need to do, but still make me feel like I can do it. You should marry me because every time I touch you by heart ceases to beat. You should marry me because I love you Amy.”

Laurie finally stopped talking, but Amy didn’t say anything. She looked at him incredulous. As if she was trying to determine if he was telling the truth. So he spoke again. Slowly, looking right at her with everything that he could muster. “I love you Amy. Just you.”

At that she shook her head and took a step back. “You can’t love me. You love Jo. You always have, and you always will. You only think that you love me because she didn’t choose you.”

Laurie took a step forward grabbing her hands. Amy had a lifted chin but she refused to look at him. “Amy look at me. Please.”

Hesitantly she tilted her towards him. Looking in her eyes Laurie knew that this was it. He only loved her. He would only ever love her. He had to make her see that.

“Amy, what I felt for Jo isn’t anything like what I feel for you.” Amy went to interrupt him, but he continued “My heart didn’t quicken when she was near. My knees didn’t buckle when she said my name. When she turned me down, I left. When you turned me down, I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t be without you. I can’t be without you”

Their faces were so close that Laurie could hear her breathing. “You have to believe me Amy. I love you.”

Amy eyes settled as the walls between them dropped, “I am scared you don’t love me as I love you. That one day you’ll realize, and you’ll break my heart.”

“Impossible.” He whispered leaning his head in even closer. Her eyes still shone with fear, so he continued “Let me prove it to you. Let me show you how I love you.”

Amy eyes were clouded. Her mouth pressed thin, but finally she whispered in response,“Alright.”

“Alright you will give me a chance?” Laurie could feel the weighted fluttering of hope begin again in his chest. .

“What if I did? What would happen?”

“Whatever you want Amy. We could get married tomorrow we could get married a year from now. You’re in charge Raphaella.”

At those words Amy smiled. “I do like being in charge.”

Laurie smirked and moved his face even closer to hers. There was almost no space between them. In a husky voice he spoke, “And I enjoy following you. So what’s your first order Raphealla?”

“I...”

Laurie closed the gap before she could finish. She was too close, he was too in love, and she was going to give him a chance.

Kissing Amy. He was kissing Amy. He had meant for it to be short, but once he felt her lips on his, once he kissed her, he knew there was no way he would be the one to end it. He felt as though he disintegrated, it was too overwhelming, but even disintegrated he could still feel her kissing him.

He put his arms on the small of her back and pulled her closer. Closer. Closer. She needed to be closer. Her hand reached up and tangled into the base of his curls. Involuntarily he let out a groan. Laurie had done much more than this before, but he’d never wanted anyone like he wanted Amy.

He took a couple steps hoping Amy would follow his lead. She did and soon her back was pressed against the wall. Laurie knew he should stop, her smell settled over his thoughts like a fog. All he could think about was Amy.

Amy pulled him even closer. Willing the fabric of her dress as flat as possible. Though Laurie was wanted to be near her, he was grateful for the extra fabric. He didn’t think he’d be able to survive without it.

Their mouths were open. Exploring what had always seemed just to far out of reach. “Laurie” Amy whispered into his mouth.

This was it. Only Amy. That’s all he would ever need. This moment. Her lips. Her voice. Her hands. But he knew the needed to stop. Reluctantly he pulled back. Amy stepped up attempting to close the gap again. It took all his strength to turn his head. To his surprise this proved as no deterrent to her as she began to kiss his neck. Laurie’s eyes rolled back in pleasure.

“Amy...” He paused. “Amy we have to stop.”

“Why?” She mouthed into his skin.

“Amy we have to be good. Imagine what you parents would say.”

At the mention of her parents Amy stopped kissing him. She put her hands on his chest and pushed him back slightly. “You’re right.”

She looked up at him. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were swollen. She looked like perfection. “Does is always feel like that?” She asked quietly.

Laurie smiled down at her. “It never feels like that.” He hands itch to touch her. His body begged to be near her. His lips felt alone without hers to match them. He shook his head at his thoughts. “Amy I have never wanted anyone like I want you, but we have to be careful.”

Amy nodded then changed her tune with a laugh, “I am the one he makes the orders and I say that we should do as we wish.”

A jolt shot through Laurie whole body at the thought of doing what he wished to Amy. She was torturing him.

“Amy stop I won’t be able to survive” Laurie begged half-joking.

She pondered for a second. “I suppose I will have mercy.” Her eyes sparkled with the mischief that was so often synonymous with Amy, “but next time you may not be so lucky.”

Laurie couldn’t look at her any longer without doing something he would regret, so he stepped away looking around the room for distraction. As he did, his eye caught on what Amy had been painting. His face was now almost completely painted. She had come to paint him. A bright smile broke across his face.

“Why were you painting this?”

Amy went to step in front of it. “Because I didn’t know what else to do.”

He reach out his hand to stop her. “Don’t be embarrassed Amy.” He looked over his shoulders pretending to look for listening ears and then continued “Every night I go home and write an opera about a blonde-haired heroine because I can’t help but think of you.”

At that Amy smiled. “I always knew I liked that story”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than they usually are, but I wanted all of this from Laurie perspective. Sorry. Also, I had went back and forth about the ending of this chapter, so I hope it works. Thanks for reading! You guys are the best and keeping me motivated to write during quarantine. Stay safe!


	14. A chance to talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie and Amy get a chance to talk

**Amy**

Amy had already been working on the portrait and neither she nor Laurie wanted to leave the studio for fear of losing what they had felt inside, so Laurie sat down in the chair and Amy resumed painting his portrait.

Though Amy was embarrassed that he had discovered what she had been working on, she was glad that him posing in the chair had put some distance between them. Any closer and she wasn’t sure she would be able to think let alone lift up a paint brush.

Laurie began his mindless chatter as Amy thought. Even with the distance, Amy’s mind began to drift back to that kiss. Amy’s kiss with Fred had been nice, pleasant even, but her kiss with Laurie was something else entirely. Her body still buzzed from the memory.

His curls in her hand, his body pressed against hers, his hands on her back. And his lips. His lips. Amy could write sonnets about his lips. Thinking back she was shocked at her own bravery to kiss his neck. But she couldn’t be separated from him. She couldn’t bear the distance. Until Laurie had reminded her of her parents.

He was right of course. She had only just ended her courtship with Fred and here she was in her studio alone with Laurie kissing him. If kissing Fred was an affront to high society, then what she and Laurie had done was nothing short of sacrilege. Still she was only sort of joking when she suggested that they should simply do as they wish.

From his chair Laurie interrupted her thoughts.

“Amy” he paused until she looked at him. “What caused you to change you mind about Fred?”

Amy sighed, she didn’t really want to discuss Fred, but seeing as she had intended to marry him just the day before it seemed fair for Laurie to ask for an explanation.

“About a month ago when you asked me to choose, Fred and I had a conversation and I began to question if he truly knew me. I felt lost and confused, so I did the only thing I could. I wrote Marmee a letter. I wanted to know if it was selfish of me to ask for more than Fred. In the absence of her response, I became more certain that I would say yes. Then yesterday her letter came and she simply asked if I loved him. It was then that I knew for sure that I didn’t. It was as if she gave me permission to want more.”

“To want me?” Laurie asked with a smirk.

Amy laughed. “I won’t lie to you, that night after I told Fred, I wondered what this meant about my relationship with you, but I did not do this for you Laurie. Even if you had never come back, it still would have been the right decision.”

“I understand. Today, coming here and telling you how I felt, was of course in hopes that you would say yes, but I also needed to do it for me. To know that I had told you. To know that you had heard it.”

At that Amy asked an iteration of his original question back to him. “What caused you to come today? You have not been to the studio since that day in the garden.”

Laurie laughed. “I also received a response to a letter I had sent detailing my confusion that day after you chose him.”

Amy eyebrows rose. “From who?” She couldn’t imagine him writing to his grandfather about this no matter the extent of their new closeness and Laurie didn’t have many close friends that she could imagine him trusting with his innermost thoughts.

The realization dawned. Even as Laurie spoke her name, Amy knew who he was going to say. The only person who Laurie trusted enough to write about this was Jo.

Amy did not want to be jealous, but still her heart became heavy at the thought of Laurie writing to Jo. Of him trusting her enough to say to her what he couldn’t say to Amy.

Laurie sensed her hesitancy and continued. “I wrote Jo a letter detailing my love for you and asking for her advice. I felt lost at the idea that you didn’t choose me. I wasn’t sure I would survive it. She responded with joy at my love and then a harsh rebuke as she pointed out that I had never told you how I felt. So I came today to rectify the situation.”

Laurie looked at her. Amy wanted this to be enough. But truth be told, she wasn’t sure that his first confession had been enough. She had only hesitantly agreed before he kissed her. Could he really be sure that the person he turned to was not truly the person he loved?

Amy knew the silence was growing, so she responded. “Jo always has given good advice.”

“Just don’t tell her that. It will make her more prideful than she already is.” Laurie laughed.

Trying to distance herself from a conversation she wasn’t ready to have, Amy shifted topics. “Tell me more about the opera.”

A month of writing in the Opera gave Laurie plenty to talk about while Amy continued to think about Jo. As the youngest Amy always felt as if she lived in expectations placed on her by the behavior of her older sisters. Would she be as graceful as Meg? As smart as Jo? As good as Beth? But none of the expectations were so claustrophobic as those that came from Jo.

Amy knew that Jo didn’t mean to cast such a large shadow. She was only being herself, but Amy longed desperately as a girl to be like Jo. She longed for her greatness and convictions and, if she was honest, her relationship with Laurie.

Though Amy was convinced she would never have her greatness or convictions, it now appeared as though she had Laurie and it made her nervous. Once she had thought that maybe she had Jo’s greatness. That she would be a artist and travel the world and then while Jo was out in New York being a writer, she was realizing that she would never be a great artist. Maybe Laurie was the same. Maybe she thought that he loved her, until one day she’d realize that it wasn’t what she imagined and she would be left with a hole in her life that she might never be able to fill.

But how could she be level headed and consider all of this when Laurie kissed her. How could she think of anything else other than the pressure of his lips on hers and the way his hands had closed around the fabric of her dress.

Amy now realized that Laurie was silent. Unsure of how long he had been quiet she looked up from the painting at him.

He sat in the chair staring. His eyes were trained on her and his mouth was pressed together. He seemed to be trying to read her mind.

Unable to withstand his scrutiny, she spoke. “You stopped talking.”

He retorted with lightness in his voice but the same serious look on his face, “You stopped listening.”

Amy was unsure of how to respond as she had and she knew that Laurie would quickly challenge any claim otherwise.

Laurie continued to stare and then asked, “Where did you go in your thoughts? What were you thinking of?”

Amy hesitated, unsure of just how honest she wanted to be. But knowing it would eat at her she let out a sigh. “Jo.”

Laurie’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Jo?”

“Yes. I was wondering if your love, like my desire to follow in Jo footsteps artistically, would eventually give way to the knowledge that it was a mistake.”

Laurie sighed, “First, I would like to acknowledge that I do not believe that your artistic dreams are a mistake or misplaced. I believe in you Amy. Second, I assure you that my feelings for you won’t change and they also are not a mistake or misplaced.”

Amy voice shook as she asked, “But how can you be sure?”

Her waverying was met with Laurie’s steady tone, “Because I have never felt like this. With you Amy it is different.” Laurie stood as he talked and began walking to her.

Amy wanted to believe him. She wanted to look into his eyes and forget all her insecurities around Jo. She wanted to hold him and forget that he had once proposed to her sister but she couldn’t.

Laurie was next to her now. As he stepped closer, he reached out for her hands. Amy took a small step back. Hurt flashed across his face, but Amy spoke. They couldn’t pretend.

“I am being serious Laurie.”

Laurie stalled not wanting to push her, but said with equal vigor, “So am I Raphealla.”

She paused unsure of what to say. At this break, he again went to close the gap between them. She couldn’t think with him so near, and she needed to think. She put her hands up in front of her chest and took another step back.

This time the hurt plastered itself on Laurie’s face. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down. “Do you not want me near you?”

Amy wanted to reach out, to stop his hurt, but she knew that nothing would be solved if she fell into his arms again. “I just can’t think properly with you so close.”

Despite himself, the corner of Laurie’s mouth turned up at the verbal acknowledgement of what being near him did to her.

“So what do you want Amy?”

Amy thought for a second, she loved him, but she wasn’t sure she was ready for him and maybe he wasn’t ready for her either. What they needed was time.

“Laurie there is no need to rush. What if we proceed slowly? With caution so as to let you fully sort out you feelings.”

Laurie eyes were tender, “I told you Amy that I would do whatever you asked. We can proceed at whatever pace you deem appropriate, but I am going to reiterate that there is nothing that will change about my feelings.”

Amy sighed in relief. “Thank you Laurie.”

At her relaxation, Laurie looked at Amy with a hunger, “Now that you have finished all your thinking, may I come near you?”

Amy lungs burned. How could she want someone like this? With so much force, so much need. Surely it was not normal to be overcome with such desire at only his words. No, if he came near her any semblance of proceeding slowly would vanish at the touch of his hands, the taste of his kiss.

“Maybe that is not the best plan.”

Laurie eyebrows raised.

Amy continued, “Do you truly believe that we can proceed with caution if you come any closer?”

Laurie sighed in resignation. “I suppose you are right.”

Amy smiled “I usually am. So it is agreed. We will keep our distance and proceed slowly.”

Laurie nodded, “But I am still coming to get my portrait painted.”

Amy considered this. He would be in a chair immobilized while she painted, but it would probably be better for them to spend time together in the gardens or at the hotel where there were others to keep them in check.. But Amy wasn’t prepared to give up her time alone with Laurie, so against her better judgement, she let out a breath. “Alright. You can still come for the portrait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update! I have always had a plan sketched out for the general content and timeline of this story and in it Amy and Laurie don't kiss until later. But in the last chapter I couldn't get them out of that first kiss in a genuine way, but I like the idea of them not taking their time. Hence this chapter. I think with Beth living they can really have that time which is why her living was always a part of the plan. I hope it worked. Thanks for reading and stay safe!


	15. Chasing perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie is dealing with the implications of moving slowly and hopes to mitigate a past mistake.

**Laurie**

True to her word, Amy had continued her portrait of Laurie. For almost two weeks, everyday around noon Laurie would make his way to her studio. With each step his stomach would fill with more nerves. No matter how many times he had been to her studio, being near her was always a delight that Laurie was never quite prepared for.

But true to the other things she had said that day, they were moving slowly, and to Laurie’s dismay, keeping their distance. Laurie body thrummed at the sight of her and everyday he wasn’t allowed to be near her it became more intense.

Laurie had desired Amy before he had ever realized that he loved her. From that day in her studio when he first undid her apron, maybe even before then, it felt as if his body was constantly aware of her. Where she was, what she was doing, her smell, the velvet of her skin. And her hair. Laurie couldn’t count the times that he had imagined running his fingers through her long blonde hair.

Laurie tried to shake his thoughts out of his head. It was to early to go down that road, and more than that, he wanted Amy to feel comfortable. He wanted her to really trust him.

That was why he continued to fidget with his curls and realign his vest and sleeves. Tonight was to be a redo of the first night he had let Amy down, and he wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes. He needed her to know what she meant to him, and that meant giving her the perfect night.

It would also be the first ball since Amy had ended her courtship with Fred. If there was one thing that Laurie wished could be different in his relationship with Amy it was that he wanted to tell people of their love for one another. They didn’t need to move quickly or even engage in behavior like they had in her studio when they first admitted how they felt for each other, though Laurie wouldn’t mind either of those things either, but he wanted everyone to know. He was happy, he had never been so happy, and it seemed to seep out of him in everything he did and if he had to hold it in much longer he imagined he would burst.

He and Amy had discussed this particular point a few days ago while she had painted.

***

Amy had been telling him of Meg’s latest letter. She and John had been arguing about money as of late, and she had reached out to Amy as Jo didn’t much like talk of marriage or the man who in her words had stolen her sister.

Though Amy’s heart ached for Meg, she was not concerned about the state of Meg’s marriage. “They have always been so fond of each other. Everyone could see it. No other man dared to intervene once they saw they way they looked at each other and listened to the way they spoke of one another.”

Amy continued but Laurie’s mind caught. Why did he and Amy need to hide their affection for one another? Why couldn’t he speak of her and look at her so that everyone knew what they meant to each other? Why not let the world know how they felt? He wanted nothing more than to be able to stare at her longingly across a room without fear that others would see. He wanted to be able to talk to others of his love for her. He wanted to be able to telegram his grandfather the reason for his new happiness.

Amy had stopped talking. “Laurie are you listening to me?”

Snapped back to the moment Laurie knew that Amy would not allow him to lie so he responded, “No my dear Raphaella.”

Amy raised an eyebrow and began to repeat herself, but Laurie continued “Why can’t we tell others of our love for each other?”

Amy confusion deepened. “Why do you ask?”

“My love, I love you. You love me. I know we have agreed to move slowly. I am content to do so, but I wish to be able to live freely in that love.”

Amy sighed, “Laurie we must think practically though. I just ended my courtship with Fred. How would it look for me to so soon declare my love for you. To be seen with you. Imagine what people would say.”

Laurie knew that Amy was concerned about the optics, but he couldn’t deny how he felt. “I suppose you are right in some sense, but what does it matter what they say if we have each other?”

“Laurie” Amy implored. “You come from a respected family. You are a man. The rules are different for you. If I am ever to be taken seriously, there are rules I must follow.”

As much as he hated to admit it, Amy was right. Even once they got married, her place in society would be determined by the respect other women afforded her and if they saw her as moving quickly between men, they would never allow her into their circles.

He returned his gaze to Amy and he could see the upturned corners of her mouth. She had always understood him and even now she could tell that he was realizing that she was right, and Amy loved being right.

***

Even though he and Amy had agreed that they wouldn’t tell anyone of their current relationship, Laurie had convinced her to let him meet her at the hotel. After all that had been her plan for the New Years Eve party and she had still been with Fred then.

Laurie, always the dreamer, imagined what the night would look like as he climbed into the carriage. Amy would no doubt be stunning. They would dance all night. He would tell her how he loved her when no one else was paying attention and her cheeks would turn a bright red as she’d scan the room making sure no one had caught on. For the first time in two weeks he would be able to touch her even if it was only to dance.

It didn’t take long for the carriage to arrive at the her hotel. He knew she would be waiting in the lobby so I went in.

As soon as he entered Amy stood.

All rational thought left Laurie when he saw her. His heart ballooned squeezing any air out of his lungs. His mouth went dry as his enlarged heart pounded in his chest and beat in his ears. The need to go to her, to claim her, was blinding. He knew that they had decided to keep things covert, but at that moment he couldn't fathom a good enough reason not to lay himself out there for her fully. No holding back, no hesitation, just her and him.

Her eyes found his and she beamed at him a smile that Laurie felt through his whole body. He wanted her. He needed her. He loved her.

The blush in her cheeks let him no just how transparent his emotions were. He closed the space between him and extended his arm for her to loop hers in.

Unable to take his eyes of her, he simply stared while she connected their arms. As she turned to face him, Laurie became aware of just how close there lips were. He whole body seemed to be vibrating at this nearness. A nearness he hadn’t allowed himself for nearly two weeks.

Just as he was about to throw any sense of reasonableness out the window and kiss her, Amy took turned her head and whispered in his ear. “Laurie if you keep looking at me like that, we won’t have to tell anyone how we feel everyone will know just by looking at you.”

Brought back to their earlier discussion, Laurie placed some distance between them as he lead her to the carriage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me so long to update. I went through a serious period of writers block, but I am hoping that now I will start updating faster. Also, I planned for more to be in this chapter, but I just love yearning Laurie, so the chapter became too long to put it all in one. Also, I have two potential directions for the story going forward. One is more slow burn and than the other, so if you have a preference let me know. Thanks for reading!


	16. She could have danced all night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie and Amy share a carriage and maybe a dance

**Amy**

Amy had never been looked at the way Laurie had looked at her when he came to pick her up that night. Her body filled with warmth that could only come from his adoration. And that's what it was adoration without pretense. To see his face as he studied her was to truly see Laurie. Maybe even for the first time.

For someone to know her as Laurie knew her and to still look at her that way was electrifying to Amy. Someone had once to Amy that to be loved was to be seen as we are and to be known as we are and looking at Laurie’s face, she had never felt more seen or known.

For nearly two weeks Amy had accepted Laurie’s love with hesitation. Even as her heart soared at the sight of him whenever he opened the door to her studio, there was a part of her that was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Jo to decide that she loved him, for Laurie to recognize that that he had always loved Jo, for her to become little Amy March again. To fully let him in, to declare their love to everyone, was to open herself up for a vulnerability she wasn’t sure she would be able to withstand.

But tonight looking at him, it finally felt as if this might be real. That she wouldn’t wake up some morning and realize that it was all a dream or worse some cruel trick. No, maybe Laurie did really love her.

All at once it became to much. So she turned to him and whispered in his ear. “Laurie if you keep looking at me like that, we won’t have to tell anyone how we feel everyone will know just by looking at you.”

Amy hoped that the space between them would help clear her thoughts, but it didn’t. She couldn't help but feel that something had changed. Her insides were still warm at the thought of Laurie’s gaze. What was she waiting for? A sign? What good was it to leave Fred, if she still kept her heart guarded? No, she had decided then that she wanted love and what was love if it wasn’t the way she felt for Laurie.

They were now both seated in the carriage. Emboldened by her realization and his earlier gaze, Amy shifted her body next to Laurie’s.

Given her large evening gown, she had gotten as close to him as she could but still it wasn’t enough. So she reached out. She had not touched him independent of linking her arm in his when he escorted her somewhere for almost two weeks, and the second her hand touched his leg, she couldn’t remember why. Electricity shot from her fingers straight to her heart. To touch him was a blessing. To be near him was a gift.

This was Laurie. Her Laurie.

The simple touch wasn’t enough. She needed more. Without thinking she began to run her hand up and down Laurie’s leg. Every time she repeated the motion, her hand traveled more of his leg. Now that she had allowed herself a taste of touching him, she had a hunger that was not easily quenched.

She stared at her hand as it graced his leg. This was her touching him. Unafraid. As her hand neared the top of his thigh Laurie jumped.

For the first time since they got into the carriage Amy looked up at him.

His eyes were hooded with something Amy couldn’t quite describe, but it filled her with excitement.

Laurie spoke in a low tone that intensified the growing need in Amy’s body. “Amy if you keep touching me like that, we won’t have to tell anyone how we feel. Everyone will know just by looking at us.”

Confidence surged though Amy. She did this to him. She made him feel this way. Only her. It made her feel powerful in a way she never had, so she again rubbed his leg. This time moving even higher.

Laurie’s eyes closed as she lingered her fingers towards the inside of his leg.

“Amy” he took a deep breath “you have to stop.” He said never opening his eyes.

Amy leaned in and whispered, never stopping her hands movements, “Is that what you want? Me to stop?”. Amy didn’t quite know what she was feeling, but it was irresistible.

Laurie sat eyes still closed. It was as if he couldn’t even speak. This only added fire to the growing flame in Amy stomach.

“I’ll do whatever you want my Lord.”

At the utterance of those words, Laurie actually let out a audible groan.

“Amy I have to walk into a ball soon and I will not be able to do that if you continue.”

Amy was prepared to ignore him, but just as she went to again run her fingers lightly up and down his leg, the arrived at the ball.

Laurie sighed at the sight as if he was grateful there were arriving but sad to see the carriage go.

Amy on the other hand was prepared to take this new found boldness into the dance. She didn’t need to accept him with hesitation anymore. She knew what she wanted.

After sitting for just a second steeling there emotions. Laurie extended his arm once more to Amy.

Amy wanted to tell him right away, but she could tell that Laurie was still slightly frazzled. At the thought a smirk spread across her lips. No, she would give him a second.

But that second never came, as soon as they walked in the door, a man approached her.

“Why Miss Amy March, I heard you and Fred are no longer attached and I was wondering if I could have a dance with you?”

Amy was prepared to tell him that she need a second to get situated, but Laurie spoke first.

“That’s no imposition on my part.”

Amy looked at him. She was sure confusion was written across her face. Just days earlier, Laurie had told her how deeply he wanted to show everyone of their love, but at the first opportunity to do even the smallest of things, he did nothing. In fact, it felt almost as if he was trying to get rid of her.

She rose her eyebrows in question but he didn’t quite make eye contact, only nodded.

Amy, proud as ever, wouldn’t spend a night waiting for him to look at her, so she turned to the man. “I would love too.”

With that the man whisked her away.

Amy spent the whole night like this. Whisked from dance to dance by different men. She looked for Laurie between every dance but couldn’t find him. Couldn’t see his dark curls in the crowd. While most of the men still donned their jackets, Amy new Laurie would have removed his by now, but she couldn’t even catch sight of his flowing white sleeves.

Instead she continued to dance. She had told herself that she wouldn’t waste the night waiting for Laurie to look at her, but at every dance she became more and more worried. Where could he have gone?

Just as Amy was about to leave the floor to find him, someone called out to her.

“Amy March”

Amy turned and her worried lips turned upward as she brought her arms up in excitement.

“Frank”

They two of them stepped towards each other. Amy had met Frank in London when she first reconnected with Fred, and though Amy had never felt anything for him, she had always considered him a great friend.

“My dear, I heard about things with Fred. I am terribly sorry they didn’t work out.”

With anyone else, this comment would have awoken shame in Amy, but Frank was always so tender.

“It wasn’t meant to be I suppose.” Amy responded.

“I suppose not, but I can not say its all bad because now I can ask you to dance.”

Amy laughed at her friend's extended arms and curtsied before connecting their hands and moving back out to the dance floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't hate it. At first, I wanted the dance to be perfect, but then I decided on something different that I hope pays off later. For the record, Frank is technically Fred's brother in the book, but I wanted someone from those days but it couldn't be his brother, so I had to make him only a friend. Next chapter, we see where Laurie disappeared to and why. Thanks for reading. You guys are the best!


	17. Outside looking in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where was Laurie

**Laurie**

As they walked up the steps to the ball Laurie could hardly breathe. What was that?

Amy had spent the entire carriage ride tracing the length of his leg, even letting her fingers linger near the inside seam of his pant.

Laurie had never known desire like he had known in that carriage. It was all he could do to not whisk Amy away anywhere else and take his time exploring her body as she seemed to be doing with his.

Laurie had tried to slow her down, to be a gentlemen, but with any attempt at restraint, Amy only seemed to grow more confident.

Laurie could still feel her breath in his ear she whispered, “I’ll do whatever you want my Lord.” Those words had filled him with want and it took all his control to not allow that longing to become more physically apparent.

If he danced with her now, any control would go out the window. Amy had made it clear that she wanted to keep what they had to themselves just a little while longer, and if they danced Laurie would be unable to keep his feelings covert. He could barely do that as it was, but any hope of it was gone after carriage ride.

Laurie almost sighed a breath of relief when the other man asked Amy to dance. While the thought of Amy dancing with another man was not anything Laurie would have previously associated with relief, after her actions in the carriage he needed a second to catch his breath.

Amy seemed confused, but Laurie insisted with a nod of his head. He couldn’t even make eye contact with her knowing that if he did, this man would see how he felt for her plastered across his face. And Laurie only wanted to do as Amy wanted. If it meant keeping Amy happy, Laurie would sacrifice a dance with her.

At the dances back home, he and Jo had often hid someplace to avoid everyone. Though Laurie loved his time with Jo, part of Laurie wanted to be out there. Jo never wanted to give into society though, so instead Laurie often felt himself feeling as if he was on the outside. This meant thought that he had a skill for finding spots of quiet at these sorts of events, and soon found a nearby room where he was hidden but could still see the main ball.

His plan was to stay there for only one or two songs. This would allow him a chance to catch his breath, regroup, and prepare to spend the rest of the night with Amy without letting everyone know how he felt.

At the end of the first song, he stood from the seat in the room and prepared to find Amy on the dance floor. Finally, they would have there long awaited dance. But as he looked out on the ball, Laurie could already see another man extending a hand towards her for a dance.

If she already had another offer, maybe Laurie would just wait one more song to make sure he was fully composed.

But almost before the second song ended another man crossed the floor and extended his arm to Amy. Laurie's heart dropped. He should have known this would happen. Now that Amy was no longer with Fred, of course scores of men would seek a chance to be with her, to dance with her, to spend time with the most beautiful women there.

Though Laurie was much older now, he suddenly felt as he did growing up. He was once again on the outside, and instead of having the person he wanted with him, she was being whisked across the dance floor by every other man in the room.

Attempting to pass time as he waited for the dance to end and at the thought of his younger years, Laurie’s mind drifted to thoughts of Jo. He knew that Amy was concerned that one day he would realize that he still loved Jo, but Laurie knew that would never happen. While he had been prepared to spend a life with Jo, his feelings for her paled in comparison to his feelings for Amy.

Still Jo’s rejection had hurt none the less because that was all that he had known. He had devoted all this energy into loving her and in the end she had not loved him back.

The music of the third song ended, and this time Laurie saw Amy’s eyes searching for someone. He stepped out of the shadows but not before she had turned the other direction. Before she could turn back around or he could walk over, Amy was again approached.

Laurie knew he should just cross the dance floor. Just close the gap, wait for the dance to end, and then before anyone else could step in extend his hand towards her and they would dance. But something stopped him.

Laurie couldn’t help but feel something grow in his stomach. Unlike in the carriage it wasn’t want or excitement. Instead it was something much darker. It tore at his heart as he saw Amy with someone who wasn’t him. Her arms were wrapped around someone who wasn't him, and much to his dismay, she seemed to be enjoying it. She was smiling and laughing and Laurie was only able to watch her from a distance.

His lungs constricted. He just wanted to be with her. He wanted other men not to approach her because they knew that Amy and Laurie were together. He wanted her to be looking up at him smiling as the followed the steps that he had once taught to her when she was younger. Mostly he wanted Amy to want all those things as much as he did.

But instead of dancing together at the ball for everyone to see, Amy had relegated him to portrait sessions in her studio and stolen touches in a carriage where no one would know.

She had never hidden Fred. She walked through town proudly with him. She told others of him. Aunt March knew of him. She would take walks with him after dinner. If Amy had been here with Fred, those other men wouldn’t have asked her to dance, and more importantly Amy wouldn’t have said yes.

Laurie's heart continued sinking. Could it be that Amy was ashamed of him? She had not hidden her disdain at his actions when he first arrived, but he thought they were past that. Maybe it was him. She had told him from the beginning that marriage was an economic proposition, and now Laurie couldn’t help but wonder if that calculus just wasn’t coming out in his favor and that's why she refused to be seen with him.

Laurie knew he was spiraling, but he couldn’t stop himself. He loved her. He wanted to marry her, and she didn’t even want to be seen with him. Seemingly for the second time in his life, he was devoting his love to a March sister who just didn’t love him back in the same way, but unlike with Jo, Laurie was certain he wouldn’t ever recover.

A solid lump formed in his throat as the sight of her looking around between the next song stabbed him from all directions, unable to withstand it and seeing another person making their way over to dance with Amy, Laurie retreated to his previous hiding spot. Safely inside, he thought of her again. He knew from the beginning that he didn’t deserve her and now it seemed clear. Whatever he was wasn’t enough for her. His chest felt battered and his soul bruised from the ache of knowing that once again he wasn’t enough.

Laurie continued to stew throughout the night. He imagined Amy dancing with every man slowing realizing how much better she could do than Laurie. Every once and a while he would peek out from his spot and see Amy still dancing with one of the many eligible suitors looking to woo her and it would only widen the gaping hole in his chest.

As the night went on this hole slowly began to fill with anger. She had told him that because of Fred it was too soon for her to be seen with someone new, but apparently it was fine for her to dance with every man at the ball. No, he had been giving his whole heart to Amy and was only getting crumbs in return.

Just as the anger propelled him to once again look at the from his spot, Laurie caught a glimpse of her face for the first time since her had returned to the room and his anger dissipated.

She had a worried look strewn across her face and she appeared to be leaving the dance floor. This was his Amy. For just a second Laurie’s heart soared. Maybe he was wrong, maybe she was coming to find him. But just as he was prepared to call to her, she turned and raised her hands excitedly.

It took Laurie back to the road in Paris with Amy running down the road to greet him, arms extended fully into the air, but she was going to someone else.

In just a span of seconds Laurie recognized who she was reaching for, but it felt like time was moving in slow-motion, like he was moving through sludge. He stopped breathing, his vision blurred, and a fog descended over him. She was running towards Frank. Frank who Amy had told Laurie she met in London. Frank who was probably the richest and most respected bachelor in all of Europe. Frank who could give Amy everything he couldn’t.

Laurie’s previously soaring heart fell to the floor and after a long night, finally shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, there it is. Laurie's explanation for being missing last chapter. Laurie has been so confident in his feelings since he discovered them, that I wanted to show some of his insecurities. He never doubts his feelings for Amy, but he often doubts Amy's feeling for him. I think he fears that he is not enough. He wasn't for Jo, he wasn't for his parents, and I think he felt to some extent that way with his grandpa as well. Also this is still in setting up an important thing that comes later. 
> 
> As for the next chapter. I might double up and have the next chapter from Laurie's perspective as well because I planned for his perspective to cover more, but this chapter got kind of long. I also might split perspectives next chapter so have some from Laurie and some from Amy, but I'm not sure how to make that work. Either way, I hope to update soon. Thanks for reading! You guys are the best!


	18. Weight Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy and Laurie talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both perspectives are in this chapter. I labeled them, so I hope it helps.

**Laurie**

After spending a short time frozen, watching Amy and Frank dance, Laurie quickly retreated back to his hiding spot. He felt skinned. As if every last bit of him were on display and there was nothing he could do to protect himself. And right at the surface of it all was his heart. Thoroughly broken, his heart seemed to be crying out for him to do something anything to make it better, to protect it, but Laurie wasn’t sure he could.

Grateful for his hiding spot he let is face fall into his hands and fought the tears prickling at the edges of his eyes. Even as he tried to slow his breathing, the weight in his chest was spreading. It reached his toes and Laurie began to feel so heavy that he wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to stand again.

But he would gladly deal with whatever he was feeling if only he could slow his thoughts. Whatever spiraling he thought he had done earlier that night, shrunk at the spiral he now found himself speeding down after seeing Amy dancing with Frank. He found himself questioning if Amy had ever loved him, if she had simply been waiting for Fred, or if she had always intended to keep him a secret so there would be less mess when she inevitably moved on to someone better.

Laurie tried to will his mind to be silent but that only made it worse. He pushed his palms further into his face, squeezing the sides of his head, hoping that the increased pressure would allow his brain to stop and give his heart some respite. Laurie felt as if he was having a dream in which he fell of a cliff but instead of waking up with a start, he just kept falling.

Finally, something interrupted his thoughts.

“Laurie” It was quiet, maybe only a whisper, but Laurie would know that voice no matter the decibel.

Laurie looked up from his hands and saw Amy.

Amy paused as if she was waiting for him to say something, but unable to find the words, Laurie simply sat there.

So Amy continued, “Laurie where have you been? I have not seen you all night?”

His exposed heart again begged for any semblance of protection. Anger and deflection were all he could offer it, so he responded.

“Well you have been very busy so that’s not particularly surprising.”

He had wanted the words to come out sharper, maybe buy him some time, but all he could manage was a disaffected whisper.

Still Laurie watched his words strike Amy and it seemed as if she got for the first time the conversation that they were about to have.

She waited for just a second contemplating before she responded, “Laurie that’s not fair. I kept looking for you, and you were nowhere to be found.”

Laurie wasn’t sure why he couldn’t stop. Why he couldn’t just take a breath, but he had been stewing too long. He was always the one giving in and he wasn’t going to do that again, so instead he snapped “Well you found me now so clearly that’s not true.”

Laurie wanted her to yell, to get upset, to do anything that would show that this mattered to her as much as it mattered to him, but instead she calmly responded, “Well I am not just going to wait for you all night”

There it was. When Amy had been with Fred, Laurie had been prepared to wait. When she had rejected his proposal, he had stayed. When she asked him to go slow, he waited again. But Amy couldn’t wait one night. However unfair, Amy’s statement seemed to confirm everything that he had been so sure of. He was simply a place holder. Someone who kept her from being lonely until a man like Frank came along. He wanted to just forget it, to just hold on to whatever he could have for as long as he could have it, but he couldn’t just wait around to simply have his heart broken again.

“That’s certainly true. Instead you’re going to keep your dance card full while I’m sit alone”

“I didn’t leave you, you left me.”

Amy was still calmer than Laurie, but Laurie was finally seeing something anything that suggested that this might be even half as painful for her as it was for him. But it wasn’t enough.

“I just did what you wanted.” Laurie voice was raised just enough that he should be concerned that people in the ballroom could hear him, but the music was still loud and at least the fight at this ball was contained to a separate room. At the thought of his drunken yelling at the last ball they attended, Laurie was again filled with heartbreak. He saw her face that night, he knew what it was to disappoint her and that seemed to be all he was capable of doing.

**Amy**

Amy wasn’t sure how they had gotten to fighting in this side room. She had seen the back of his body slink into the small room while she had been dancing with Fred. The dance was almost done, and as soon as it was over she thanked Fred and followed Laurie quickly into the other room.

Amy was not naive enough to think that the night was going well with Laurie hiding the whole time, but she still hadn’t expected anything like what had happened.

The air in the room had left at the sight of him hunched over and crushing his head with his hands as if trying to silence all the thoughts in his mind. She ached to reach out and hold him. To quiet whatever noise is holding him hostage, but she doesn’t want to startle him.

So she simply whispers his name.

As he turned to her, she began to feel tears in her eyes. She had never seen him so shaken. He looked as if he was a leaf that had been beaten around during a windstorm and was just barely holding onto the branch before it tumbled to the ground.

She held her thoughts for just a second, stunned and worried that whatever she was going to say would say was going to be the last gust that sent him hurtling down to the ground beyond her reach.

As she waited she began to see something else in his eyes, not just hurt, but a real anger. Amy had been on the receiving end of some of his harsh words, but never had she seen the fire in his eyes now.

She had tried to proceed cautiously but as the conversation continued whatever she had seen when she first walked in had been burned out by the resentment and anger.

Now he was telling her that it was her that wanted him to leave her alone all night.

Amy didn’t know how he could think that. How could he think that after the way she had touched him in the carriage that she wanted any sort of distance? How after she had ended things with Fred? How after she had told him that she was in love with him her whole life? No, his words now were simply covering for feelings that Amy always knew were there.

Amy had sensed from the beginning that she was on borrowed time. That Laurie would eventually realize that it had only been loneliness from Jo that had made him feel like he was in love with her. And once some of that loneliness faded he would know that what he felt for her was simply a mirage of real love. Here it was. The moment she knew was coming, but still she couldn’t have prepared for if she had tried.

Whatever walls she had attempted to break down earlier that night were now being rebuilt as high and as thick as she could muster. It was the only way she would make it through this night.

“If that is how you feel, then maybe it is best that you chose to leave.”

As she spoke Amy took a step back hoping that it would give her just a little extra protection from the inevitable heartbreak, but nothing could have protected her against what came next.

“Anything to make you life easier. If I leave it just makes the next step up easier to achieve. It would have saved Fred some heartache if he’d realized that a little sooner. We were only meant to fill space until someone like Frank came along. I mean marriage has always been an economic proposition”

Amy felt the weight of his words shatter whatever was left of her. At the beginning of the night she had been so sure that she was ready to be all in, that nothing else mattered but him, and now she could only be grateful that he had left her before she could tee up her own heart to be fully smashed.

In the face of a plummeting heart, Amy was reminded her of the mantra that had once allowed her to forget some of the pain she felt around the Laurence boy: She would be respected if she couldn’t be loved.

She wasn’t going to devolve into tears. She was still Amy March even if he didn’t love her. Even as she thought this her chest tightened with every waking moment. To feel any of that would mean the end to any composure she had feigned up to this point, so she leaned into the numbness and the distance.

“I didn’t realize that was how you saw this. How you saw me.”

Amy could tell that her distance was only increasing Laurie’s volatility, but she didn’t know what else to do. Any other emotion and she would simply break down. Still she was shocked when she heard him cry desperately, “Amy I am not the one hiding. If you wanted something real, why are we hiding?”

Amy knew this was the end and she didn’t intend to have it dragged out any longer. She wouldn’t be able to survive. Whatever other taunts Laurie had for her, she couldn’t her them so she began to speak words she never thought she would. “Because it was never real for you. Your dance card may not have been full tonight, but I was as much filling space as anyone else was tonight.” Her demeanor finally cracked as she squeaked out her last words “Laurie hidden or not this isn’t anything to continue.”

**Laurie**

Laurie wasn’t sure what he expected from tonight, but a severed heart and Amy refusing to look at him was not it.. Even as he had hurled the words at her, he couldn’t imagine being without her. But it wasn’t enough for him to fight for them alone.

The carriage ride home was full of stony silence. Amy was seated as far away from him as possible and her hands sat quietly in her lap. Just a few hours ago, she had been pressed up against him whispering in his ear. How in the course of one night had they come so far?

The ride was long and he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to make it without breaking down. He felt as if he had been trampled on. There was nothing of him that hadn’t been broken tonight.

As the carriage pulled up to Amy’s lodging the silence was still suffocating them.

If Amy wanted this, who was he to stand in her way. Still, knowing that this was it. That his heart wouldn’t make it through another heartache he couldn’t help but whisper to her as she walked in “I just wanted to be enough for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am officially the worst updater. Sorry that it took me so long to post!! It is a little bit longer of a chapter, so I hope that at least helps. I just couldn't figure out how I wanted to format the chapter. I rewrote it like 4 different times, so I hope it works. Also, weird thing but break up scenes are my favorite parts of books and movies, so I started to overthink. 
> 
> I know Laurie was a little harsh this chapter, but I read him as someone who lashes out to protect himself. I mean in Greta's adaption he snaps at Amy and Meg. I couldn't decide if I wanted to write this with Amy being blunt and overtly emotional or Amy with her walls up, but I decided on the latter. 
> 
> The next chapter will be from Amy's perspective. 
> 
> You guys are seriously the best! I read all your comments and it really motivates me to write! As long as people are reading and there is story to tell, I'll keep updating.


	19. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy processes what happened

**Amy**

  
Just when she thought the night couldn’t get any more painful, Laurie whispered one last sentence before she walked in.

_“I just wanted to be enough for you.”_

The words had been running on repeat through Amy’s head since he spoke them. Amy was so sure earlier that night that he didn’t love her, that she was doing the right thing by telling him he could go, and then to prove her right he had left. But before he did he said that. Why would he say that? She just couldn’t make it fit into the motivations she had assigned him.

She slowly got ready for sleep as her brain remained occupied. Her fingers dragged through her blonde curls as she remembered Laurie huddled over in that small room when she first walked in. Her fingers mechanically did the buttons on her night dress as she thought of his angry words thrown at her. She crawled under the sheets with tears in her eyes as she remembered how hopeful she had felt at the beginning of the night.

She wanted the tears to stop. She wanted to be able to steel her emotions as she had when she was in the room with him, but ever since she had climbed into her bed with the last of her stubbornness run out, she couldn’t stop the tears.

This is what she had been afraid of all along. She had tried to open her heart up and now there was a hole that she wasn’t sure would ever be filled. She curled around herself. Something about the position made her feel protected. As if no one could get to the most important parts of her. If only that were true.

Just then there was a knock on the door.

At first Amy thought she was imagining it, but the knock came again and then again. There was only one person Amy knew who would knock with such annoying persistence.

Amy crawled out of bed, wiped her eyes, put on a robe, and opened the door to Aunt March.

Aunt March had been growing sicker. Due to her increasingly poor condition and Amy’s recent decisions regarding Fred, Aunt March had been avoiding her. She had not come up to Amy’s room in weeks.

Even so, she was up at Amy’s room now. Amy greeted her with the customary greeting

“Hello Aunt March”

“I have received the report from the ball and even given your antics this past month it appears as if not all is lost. Your stock appears to be higher than ever. I heard you even caught them attention of one Frank. ”

Amy could hear the reluctant admiration in her Aunt's voice, but the reminder of her night dancing without Laurie sent a spike of pain through her.

Always perceptive, her Aunt's eyes seemed to follow the pain across Amy’s face.

“I suppose you do not consider the night the same success that I do. Could this be about a certain escort to the dance who was also suspiciously absent?”

Even as Amy saw the conversation heading in a direction she wasn’t sure she was prepared for, there was the small comfort in the fact that her Aunt did not say his name. To hear his name, out loud would have been too much. Still Amy could sense a rebuke coming. Her aunt had always made it painfully clear what was expected of her. What rode on her decisions. She had already disappointed her once when she turned down Fred. Hoping to preempt a lecture, Amy spoke with a confidence that belayed everything that had happened in the night.

“Do not worry Aunt March. There is nothing more to worry about with regards to... my escort tonight.”

Aunt March shook her head slowly, “Oh my dear, that never seems to be the case with this particular young man.”

Amy could feel tears behind her eyes. She just wanted the conversation to end. Perhaps if she made it clear that she knew what was at stake she could get her aunt to leave and return to the comfort of her small bed.

“As you have repeatedly pointed out, I have a responsibility to my family.”

Unfortunately Aunt March seemed intent on talking.

“Yes you do, and I hope you do not forget that. You are not allowed to make decisions with the heart first. Women never have been, but I fear that maybe you have left your heart out of the equation entirely.”

Amy was starting to get frustrated. How could her Aunt who had put the weight of her whole family on her shoulders when Beth had been sick the first time, start talking about making decisions with her heart.

“Women do not have the luxury of making decisions with their hearts''

Aunt March sighed as if speaking to Amy was a great burden.

“I fear you misunderstood me. I am not suggesting that you marry a man of no means like your sister or refuse marriage completely as your other sister. I only mean to point out that where a match is suitable it is not a detriment to have love as well. In fact, it might make the drudgery of life slightly more enjoyable”

Amy was still deeply confused. Was her Aunt still talking about Laurie? Did it matter if she was? While Amy knew she loved Laurie, after tonight she was not sure the feeling was reciprocated. Maybe it never had been.

Aunt March must have sensed her confusion and grown impatient, because before Amy could speak again Aunt march interjected tersely, “For goodness sakes, must I spell it out for you. I am talking about the Lawrence boy. He has money, he comes from a respectable family, he seems to have grown up these last couple months, and anyone with half a wit who has been paying any attention can see that he loves you. In fact, if I get asked by him one more time where he can find you I may have to take the boy to the grave with me.”

Amy sat stunned. Aunt March had always been perceptive, but having the whole situation laid out like this felt overwhelming and achingly simple at the same time.

For the first time in Amy’s life, she saw her aunt's expression soften. “It is not a crime to love Amy. It is not a crime to want to be loved. Just do not let it spoil your whole life by making a mistake at the beginning” And with that Aunt March closed the door.

With the door shut Amy was finally able to crawl back into her bed, but it didn’t hold the same comfort she had wanted it to. Instead her head was spinning now more than ever.  
The question had never been whether Amy loved Laurie. That much she had known for as long as she could remember knowing Laurie and the past couple months had only enforced what she had already known.

Even at the beginning when he was squandering all that he had been blessed with, she still had loved him. Even tonight, after her heart broke in a way she could not have even imagined previously, she still loved him. Maybe it was a curse, but in her heart of hearts Amy knew she would always love him. If she was going to love him anyways, what was it to risk him loving her back?

All at once it became clear to Amy, the only way she would guarantee a life without Laurie’s love was to never try. To keep her walls up forever. To never let him in.

Amy feared being vulnerable for the chance that when she held her heart out, it would be rejected. But had that not been what she had been doing anyways. She always said she admired her sisters’ bravery, but how could she claim it if she stayed hidden and afraid.

She was reminded of Aunt March’s words _“In fact, if I get asked by him one more time where he can find you I may have to take the boy to the grave with me”_

Laurie had continued to search for her. He had spoken, granted in half formed sentiments, about wanting her to marry him. He had come to her again and asked for her to choose him. He had come even before he knew what had happened with Fred to tell her he loved her. He had written to Jo about her opening himself up to endless scrutiny from Jo. Laurie had opened himself up to the fear of rejection. He had even experienced her rejection, and still he had stayed for her.

Amy did not know if what happened tonight could be unsaid. If Laurie had sustained one rejection to many, but Amy felt a renewed energy to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay so its been about six months since I updated. Also kind of an awful chapter to leave you on. I am so sorry. If any of you are still reading this enjoy! I have another chapter that should be up tomorrow and then a couple that I am still editing. I am hoping to have them up by the end of the week.
> 
> Also don't worry. Laurie won't get out of this without having to take accountability for his actions, but I want them to both choose each other. 
> 
> I hope Aunt March doesn't seem to far out of character in this chapter. Maybe its because she's played by Meryl Streep in the movie, but I love her. Also some stuff is from the book. She truly is an enigma. 
> 
> Again enjoy, and thanks for reading!


	20. The Aftermath pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laurie deals with the aftermath of that night

**Laurie**

  
Laurie went straight to bed upon arriving back home. The night had rent his heart in two, and all he wanted to do was sleep. His mind betrayed him though. He dreamt of Amy. They were at the ball again. Instead of running when they first arrived, he walked in with her on his arm. His body still buzzing from the carriage ride over. He politely told the first suitor that Amy had promised him the first dance. Then they had done what he had spent the whole week wanting to do. They danced.

He was caught up by the look on her face, the grace of her movement, her hands on his body. Their love couldn’t be hidden and in that moment Amy told him she didn’t want to anymore. Then like all his dreams of the last few weeks, they kissed. But just as everything seemed to be fixed in his dreams, he woke up with a start. His smile slowly dropped as he remembered all over again, that it was just a dream. Instead of dancing and basking in their love for eachother, he hid and Amy told him it was better that way. He closed his eyes hoping to return to his own dream world. Desperate to live there instead of where he now found himself.

The night of disastrous sleep meant that he slept in the next morning. He still did not feel rested, but there was work to be done. Amy had made him a better person, that could not be denied, and he wouldn’t lose the progress he made. He knew he was not enough for Amy, but he felt the need to do what Amy had admonished him to do months ago. He would be respected if he could not be loved.

For the next few days he threw himself into his work. Hoping to keep his mind busy and away from thoughts of Amy. He worked until he could not keep his eyes open. He would then retire to bed leaving no time for idle thoughts of Amy or the painful replay of the night where everything went wrong.

This worked for three days, until he had run out of work to do. His Grandfather was still in Germany, so assignments were often delayed and given all Laurie’s extra time working, he had finished things much faster than his Grandfather could have anticipated. He would be without work for a couple days at least.

This meant that Laurie had nothing else to do today but think. He tried sleeping in, but without the exhaustion of work, his dreams haunted him. Begrudgingly he climbed out of bed and away from the assault on his heart.

But being out of bed didn’t bring him any respite either. There was nothing to do but think of Amy. He couldn’t work as he had no more projects. He couldn’t write his opera because a blonde heroine lurked among its pages. He couldn’t walk through gardens without imagining her there. Worse even was that without going to her studio to have his portrait painted, he was stuck with even more unfilled hours.

At last he decided to satiate the only desire he could and went down to eat. As he ate, his brain filled with memories from that night. Amy coming down the stairs, the carriage ride over, her hands on him. But just as visceral were the memories of everything that had gone wrong. Him sitting alone in the side room. The feeling of rejection once again permeating through him. That overwhelming sense that he was not enough. Then came the memories he was trying hardest to avoid. The words that he had thrown at Amy.

Already weakened from the permeating sense of rejection, thinking back on his words had his heart rupturing from guilt. He knew he had been hurting that night. In fact, barring the death of his parents, he had not known such pain. He had a tendency to use language to protect him. He had done it before with Meg and Jo. In fact, he had even done it with Amy after she had kissed Fred. Still the regret seemed to suffocate him.

How could he look at her and tell her loved her, ask her to step out into the light with him, and then say those things about her. He knew Amy felt like she was a second choice. She had told him that they should go slow so that he could be sure about his feelings for her. What he felt was so all consuming to him, that sometimes he forgot that was not as obvious to her. And now she probably felt that everything she believed was true. That he had realized that she wasn’t worth it after all and left.

Even so, Laurie didn’t know what else he could do. He kept putting himself out there and every time his heart broke a little more.

His food had grown cold, but Laurie was still lost in thought. He was so preoccupied, that he didn’t see the worker approach him.

“Mr. Lawrence”

At the sound of his name, Laurie jumped. He looked up, and saw someone holding out a note.

“There has been a message delivered for you. Would you like it here or brought up to your room?”

Laurie couldn’t imagine who the message was from. It didn’t have any postage so it couldn’t be from Jo or his Grandfather. Still endlessly curious and hoping for a distraction he responded, “I can take it here. Thank you.”

Laurie didn’t want to appear too eager, so he didn’t look down at the message until the worker had left. At the sight of the handwriting on the front, he heart picked up its pace.

It was Amy.

As quick as the excitement dawned, a sense of dread settled down on him heavily. Maybe this was Amy cutting the final strings. Telling him that she wanted nothing to do with him. At the real prospect of Amy being gone, Laurie realized how truly he didn’t want that to be the case. He had stayed even when she didn’t choose him because he couldn’t bear to be away from her, but maybe she didn’t feel the same way. He felt smaller at the thought of her being away from him. Even after the pain of that night at the ball, three days of ignoring all thoughts of her, and working himself to exhaustion, he still wanted her.

Hoping that the letter wouldn’t be the end, he opened it. It contained just three lines.

_Laurie,_   
_I have finished the portrait. Come to the studio tomorrow to pick it up._   
_Amy_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The edits took a little longer than I thought, but still technically out in time! I am still planning on having at least one more chapter out by the end of this week. Its written it just needs some editing. 
> 
> Also what will I do to move the plot along now that the portrait is done haha? Maybe I'll just let them be happy;)
> 
> Thanks for reading and for your kudos and comments!! You guys are the best!


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